Cleanup in Aisle of Freedom

Security Report: American Food & Drug

Day No. 69 of the Pandemic

7:53 a.m.

Customer in a CLASS OF 2020 T-shirt attempted to enter the store during Senior Hour. Was informed that being a high school senior did not count.

8:37 a.m.

Customer observed using a store-provided antiseptic wipe, then stuffing the wipe back into the container “because it still had some wet on it.” Was advised that wet wipes are single-use only.

9:01 a.m.

Child seen protesting outside Play Land area with a DON’T TREAD ON ME flag. Demanded area be “reopened” so he could crawl on the slide. Mommy was called.

9:45 a.m.

Customer limited to two boxes of Kleenex screamed: “That’s like Hitler!” Was escorted from the store and asked to please not compare a restriction on tissue purchases to the Holocaust.

10:02 a.m.

Customer refused to go through Wanda’s open checkout lane because whenever Wanda scans a purchase, she licks her lips, says, “Mmm, that looks yummy!” then rubs the item against her belly.

10:22 a.m.

Customer who was mildly inconvenienced demanded to speak to the manager. Gave her name as Karen and insisted, “Believe me, he knows who I am.” Karen was told to calm down.

11:14 a.m.

Called to employee lounge to separate Beckley, the floral intern who contends that six feet (or any other distance) is a “mere social construct,” and Frank, the Deli Manager, who thinks Beckley’s full of shit.

11:45 a.m.

Customer observed picking up a sweet potato, sniffing it, then returning it to the pile because he “smelled the virus on it.” Was asked to please take his olfactory superpowers elsewhere.

12:19 p.m.

Bakery customer refused to pay for the “Covid Cake” that she had ordered. Claimed the image of the virus looked like “an asteroid with acne.” Bakery Manager placed the unwanted cake in the employee lounge, where it disappeared within minutes. Wanda later seen with frosting on her face.

1:31 p.m.

Backup at the self-checkout lanes. Customer attempted to scan items using only his elbows. Was advised to either use his fingers or go through the express lane. Or Wanda’s lane, because it was still open.

2:27 p.m.

Customer seen fondling a package of toilet paper while purring, in the voice of Gollum, “Precious hasn’t touched my butt for soooooo long.”

3:17 p.m.

Customer Service Desk reported a man with a bandana over his face announcing he was “here for money.” Individual was apprehended and urged to never again dress like a bank robber while trying to cash a check.

3:45 p.m.

Customer seen sipping her latte through a hole in her mask. Multiple café patrons took pictures and shamed her on Instagram.

4:22 p.m.

Incident in the parking lot when a man with a MAGA hat, but no face covering, pulled in next to a woman in a Prius wearing a FEEL THE BERN mask. Words were exchanged — the words you’d expect.

4:55 p.m.

Pharmacy reported a customer claiming to have a prescription for bleach. Customer was advised that bleach is not medicine, no matter what You Know Who might say.

5:33 p.m.

Altercation in the aisle for Beans & Other Things. Two customers reached for the last bag of lentils at the same time, briefly making human contact. Both parties shrieked in terror.

6:41 p.m.

Customer seen lying down in front of the empty shelves that sometimes hold cleaning products. Was informed that Lysol would not be replenished until next Tuesday, but said he would prefer to wait. Appeared to have a pillow with him.

7:00 p.m.

Assistant Manager turned on the sound system to ring the bell in celebration of frontline workers just as the Assistant to the Assistant Manager, unaware of the hot mic, remarked, “Check out the hottie in Produce!” Assistant to the Assistant Manager currently seeking other employment.

7:08 p.m.

Camera in Section 7 showed an elderly woman stealing flour from another elderly woman’s cart.

7:13 p.m.

Camera in Section 8 showed the victim stealing the flour back.

7:18 p.m.

Camera in Section 9 showed the elderly women in a surprisingly heated exchange (for octogenarians). When Security urged them to find a resolution, the elderly women responded with surprisingly heated language (for octogenarians).

8:05 p.m.

Customer caused a panic when seasonal allergies launched him into a sneezing fit. Three carts collided near the north endcap of Aisle 13. There were no survivors.

8:23 p.m.

Called to the men’s room to remove a blue “X” taped to the floor by a prankster who must have thought it would be funny if men had to pee six feet away from the urinal. (Which it was.)

9:00 p.m.

Store closed. More of the same expected tomorrow.