Thank You for Attempting to Unsubscribe
We “understand” that your time is “valuable.”
We have received your request to unsubscribe from our newsletter. We hope that you enjoyed those issues of our informative and entertaining newsletter that you received after you voluntarily and under no duress asked to be added to our newsletter mailing list and before you decided to ask to be removed. And why wouldn’t you have? In fact, we’re so confident that you did enjoy the newsletters you received, and have submitted your unsubscribe request inadvertently, or under duress, that, as a one-time courtesy, we will disregard your request and keep your name and email address on our newsletter mailing list.
We understand that your time is valuable. You simply can’t read every newsletter that arrives in your email inbox! Some just have to be ignored. As an additional courtesy, we have searched your email archives and identified other email newsletters to which you were subscribed and submitted unsubscribe requests in your name, from your account, to the publishers of those other newsletters. Because an unsubscribe request can in some instances take weeks to process, we have also created filters for your email account that will relocate newsletters mailed from other publishers to your spam folder. If any other newsletter publisher’s mass-mailing software required confirmation of your unsubscribe request, we have sent that confirmation as well, providing as necessary your username and/or password, which we gleaned when possible from the archived emails confirming your initial subscriptions. Otherwise, we found your personal data on your hard drive.
In addition, we have changed your response to any brand name Evite or generic electronic invitation from “Will Attend” to “Will Not Attend” (or the equivalents). Further, any event of which you were identified as the organizer has been canceled. Not attending events will free up more time that you can devote to reading our newsletter, which you will continue to receive.
If you believe that our decision to disregard your request to unsubscribe was in error, you may reinstate your request in writing, sent to the mailing address set forth in the FAQ on our website. (Please note that accessing our website constitutes a grant of permission to add your name and email address to our newsletter mailing list.) Your written request must be accompanied by one of the following: (1) a letter from a licensed physician advising that you have a medical condition that does not permit you to receive newsletters, whether or not you (can) read them; (2) proof that you have moved your principal place of residence to a location more than 25 miles from the Internet; or (3) an affidavit, signed by you in the presence of a notary public, averring that you have irreversibly died.
Notwithstanding that you almost certainly did not intend to ask to be removed from our newsletter mailing list, and that your name and address will for the foreseeable future remain on our mailing list as a courtesy to you, if you think that you might be tempted to consider unsubscribing for real at some point in the future, please tell us which of the following reasons will have influenced your decision:
• Newsletter too interesting
• Newsletter too informative
• Newsletter makes all other newsletters seem inadequate
• Newsletter obviously intended for people better than me
• Newsletter not delivered frequently enough
(We apologize in advance, but we will be unable to consider any theoretical future requests to unsubscribe without a completed questionnaire on file.)
Some newsletter providers view a request to unsubscribe as a negative thing — a personal slight. We appreciate that a request to unsubscribe is nothing of the sort — it’s “just business,” after all, and it’s likely also “ill-advised.” But you might be trying to tell us something… and you should know that we hear you! And if you had a newsletter in which you wrote about how we could offer you more useful products, services, and newsletters, we’d probably read it. (Please do not send us your newsletter. Any newsletters sent to this email address will be deleted unread. All email addresses from which we receive newsletters will be added to our newsletter mailing list.)
As a token of our appreciation for your request to be removed from our newsletter mailing list, we have taken the liberty of adding you to a second mailing list of ours. You will soon begin to receive an online catalog of additional newsletters that we put out, any or all of which you can sign up to get to at no cost whatever. Enjoy! We thank you sincerely for attempting to unsubscribe. And you’re very welcome.
Originally published at www.mcsweeneys.net.