How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

Thinking about kissing your mother on the mouth.

Thanksgiving Stage Notes for Racist Uncles

Thanksgiving Stage Notes, 2020. A hand-written list of stage notes/directions from an Uncle Ray, approximated to have been written several weeks before Thanksgiving 2020. This artifact was found in the back jeans pocket of Raymond Elias, better known as racist Uncle Ray, whom the family only saw around the holidays. Museum curators translated the nearly illegible, sloppy Joe-stained notebook paper below:

  • Double park your car so cousins can’t back out of the driveway before 11 p.m.
  • Enter house through driveway after ding dong ditching
  • Introduce self by screaming “Remember me, your Uncle Ray?!” while lifting up a six-pack of PBRs with only 2 left
  • Set the stage for your talk by kissing all women on the mouth, communicating that to you, the Chinese Virus bat disease is a hoax
  • Offer to carve the turkey to show off toxic masculinity
  • Integrate an “All Lives Matter” during Thanksgiving prayer
  • Give nephew a HUGE noogie that takes 3 years off his life expectancy
  • Complain about all the riots happening 70 miles away from home
  • Initiate talking beer gut, remember to bring Sharpie to draw eyes and mouth for it to be effective
  • Tell the story of the first Thanksgiving completely unprompted, emphasizing the genocide that followed (REMEMBER to do the “woo-woo-woo-woo-woo” Indian call with your hand over the mouth repeatedly for effect)
  • Piggyback off woo-woo-woo Indian sound into passing comment about Washington Football Team being pussies for changing their name from the Redskins, follow up on pussy comment later
  • “You shoulda seen your Aunt Carole after we went to Myrtle Beach for our 25th anniversary, she was a God-damned redskin herself! We had to get her some Aloe Vera”
  • Tie in Aunt Carole comment to mankind’s potential to all be considered “red-skinned”
  • Add in how this turkey might be the most moist Aunt Tina’s ever made it
  • Tease niece about not liking the word “moist,” it gets her every time
  • Transition to election results after asking niece where her pussy hat is this year
  • Did it shrivel up or something? Good time to intro a dried up vagina joke and make everyone uncomfortable
  • “I would not wear that pussy hat if I was trapped in a snow barge in Antarctica and was dying of hypothermia” WORKSHOP THIS
  • Remember to ask to pass the mashed potatoes
  • Pizzagate (?)
  • Drop a huge load in the bathroom, emerge back into the dining room and say “CLEAN UP ON AISLE ME.”
  • Offer to help women of the family clean up, and then scream “SIKE, THAT’S A WOMAN’S JOB” and go pass out in the resting arm chair in the living room watching the football game
  • Make light-hearted joke about pronouns and how everybody is becoming a “they, we, a me, a whatever” and you just don’t get it
  • Spark a discussion if anyone is watching anything on that propaganda machine called the Netflix
  • Take moment to pause for laughter or applause
  • Discuss how music these days is so disgusting, ask the room if they have a WAP
  • Take all of the leftovers in fear of socialist distribution of food
  • Goodbye kiss the same women when you arrived, but use tongue this time

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

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Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.