How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

Thinking about kissing your mother on the mouth.

Thanksgiving Stage Notes for Racist Uncles

  • Double park your car so cousins can’t back out of the driveway before 11 p.m.
  • Enter house through driveway after ding dong ditching
  • Introduce self by screaming “Remember me, your Uncle Ray?!” while lifting up a six-pack of PBRs with only 2 left
  • Set the stage for your talk by kissing all women on the mouth, communicating that to you, the Chinese Virus bat disease is a hoax
  • Offer to carve the turkey to show off toxic masculinity
  • Integrate an “All Lives Matter” during Thanksgiving prayer
  • Give nephew a HUGE noogie that takes 3 years off his life expectancy
  • Complain about all the riots happening 70 miles away from home
  • Initiate talking beer gut, remember to bring Sharpie to draw eyes and mouth for it to be effective
  • Tell the story of the first Thanksgiving completely unprompted, emphasizing the genocide that followed (REMEMBER to do the “woo-woo-woo-woo-woo” Indian call with your hand over the mouth repeatedly for effect)
  • Piggyback off woo-woo-woo Indian sound into passing comment about Washington Football Team being pussies for changing their name from the Redskins, follow up on pussy comment later
  • “You shoulda seen your Aunt Carole after we went to Myrtle Beach for our 25th anniversary, she was a God-damned redskin herself! We had to get her some Aloe Vera”
  • Tie in Aunt Carole comment to mankind’s potential to all be considered “red-skinned”
  • Add in how this turkey might be the most moist Aunt Tina’s ever made it
  • Tease niece about not liking the word “moist,” it gets her every time
  • Transition to election results after asking niece where her pussy hat is this year
  • Did it shrivel up or something? Good time to intro a dried up vagina joke and make everyone uncomfortable
  • “I would not wear that pussy hat if I was trapped in a snow barge in Antarctica and was dying of hypothermia” WORKSHOP THIS
  • Remember to ask to pass the mashed potatoes
  • Pizzagate (?)
  • Drop a huge load in the bathroom, emerge back into the dining room and say “CLEAN UP ON AISLE ME.”
  • Offer to help women of the family clean up, and then scream “SIKE, THAT’S A WOMAN’S JOB” and go pass out in the resting arm chair in the living room watching the football game
  • Make light-hearted joke about pronouns and how everybody is becoming a “they, we, a me, a whatever” and you just don’t get it
  • Spark a discussion if anyone is watching anything on that propaganda machine called the Netflix
  • Take moment to pause for laughter or applause
  • Discuss how music these days is so disgusting, ask the room if they have a WAP
  • Take all of the leftovers in fear of socialist distribution of food
  • Goodbye kiss the same women when you arrived, but use tongue this time

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.