How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

The Justice League Will No Longer Condone Batman’s Blatant Insensitivity

We can no longer turn a blind eye.

These are actual bats.

After much introspection, consideration, and a unanimous vote taken in our headquarters in a satellite in space, we, the undersigned charter members of the Justice League, have resolved to terminate the membership of B — W — , a/k/a “Batman,” effective immediately. Because this is such a significant — and, for many, surprising — development, we feel it incumbent upon us to make public our reasons for removing a fellow founding member from our esteemed ranks.

Notwithstanding his innumerable and invaluable contributions to not just our alliance but to the cause of superheroics generally, we — the colleagues, confidantes, and, indeed, friends of the World’s Greatest Detective — can no longer turn a blind eye, so to speak, to the fact that in order to disguise himself, B — W — dresses in bat-face. And by “bat-face,” we’re referring to the whole outfit, not just the mask (or cowl, as he likes to call it).

Given the severity of the potential outcome of our inquiry, we took into consideration B — W — ’s motive in assuming the air of the mainly nocturnal animal with dark, leathery skin, membranous wings, and pronounced, pointy ears. As the Dark Knight himself has acknowledged often, he was inspired by a bat that flew into his window while he was brooding about how to be a more effective crimefighter. Reflecting that “criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot,” B — W — chose to adopt the appearance of a creature that frightened him in his youth. Unfortunately, while an effective psychological tactic, this is also textbook appropriation.

There is a saying among several peoples of Earth (and, to varying extents, Earth-Two, New Earth, and Prime Earth): “My culture is not a costume.” While we have not heard this sentiment voiced by the Chiroptera community specifically, nevertheless the concern remains that B — W — wears a costume that co-opts the traditional anatomy and physiology of the bat (to say nothing of its name, which the Caped Crusader uses with almost comical abandon).

Finally, we found B — W — ’s argument that he “identifies as a bat” unpersuasive — not at all because we are too old to understand what that means (Martian Manhunter, for instance, is capable of shifting the shape of his genitalia limitlessly and on command) but rather because B — W — apparently identifies as a bat only some of the time. The rest of the time he identifies as an idle wealthy orphan celebrity playboy industrialist socialite.

During the course of our inquiry, at no time did we question Batman’s dedication to the elimination of crime from Gotham City and beyond. In acknowledgement of his continuing value to our common cause, and because he knows all of our secret identities, we will be retaining Batman as a consultant moving forward. Accordingly, he will continue to receive a salary but not health insurance, and the Justice League will no longer match his contributions to the association’s 401(k) retirement plan. We trust that these actions will underscore our abiding respect for all who inhabit this small corner of Space Sector 2814.

Yours for a More Peaceful Planet,
Wonder Woman
Green Lantern
Martian Manhunter

P.S. We started to consider whether to kick out Hawkman on the same grounds, but we quickly realized that none of us knows what Hawkman is, exactly.




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Matthew David Brozik

Matthew David Brozik

Novelist. Copywriter. Lawyer. Lone punman. Visit

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