This Email Blast Is 100% Organic, Locally-Sourced & Sustainable, Has a Small Carbon Footprint, and Contains No Tree Nuts

Plus, we wouldn’t even think of testing our emails on animals.

Anna Fig
Anna Fig
Nov 5 · 2 min read
While our emails are, regrettably, not biodegradable, they are recyclable.

Dear Valued Subscriber,

Over the past several months, we’ve received a healthy number of inquiries about the makeup of our periodic emails. In the spirits of corporate transparency and social responsibility, we want to address as many of your questions as possible.

Are Your Emails Organic?

In a word: Yes. We believe in — and rely on — alternative systems of communication, especially those that employ naturally occurring substances (such as electricity) while strictly limiting the presence of synthetic substances (human sewage sludge, for example).

Are Your Emails Locally Sourced?

Every email we send is composed of elements — mainly letters, numbers, and items of punctuation — found no more than 100 miles from our offices. Indeed, the source code of our emails is stored on servers located within our actual headquarters building in downtown Salt Lake City.

Are Your Emails Cruelty-Free?

We wouldn’t think of testing our emails on animals. There really would be no point, anyway.

Are Your Emails Sustainable?

Inasmuch as the first law of thermodynamics applies and energy can be transformed but neither created nor destroyed, yes. We could send an infinite number of electronic mail messages every day forever and not lose a single electron. (But we promise we won’t. We appreciate that you’ve got a lot in your inbox.)

Are Your Emails Suitable for Those With Food Allergies?

Our emails are guaranteed to contain none of the following common allergic triggers:

  • Celery

In addition, our emails are latex-free and are prepared without monosodium glutamate (MSG).

What Exactly Does Your Company Do?

ThanatoTech, Inc. manufactures chemical, biological, and radiological weapons of mass destruction and markets them to schoolchildren through insidious advertising campaigns.

Are Your Emails Biodegradable?

While our emails are, regrettably, not biodegradable, they are recyclable.

Thank you for your time. We trust that this information will remind you why you support our mission and continue to look forward to our emails. (As a token of our appreciation, take 20% off sitewide — just use promo code WMDKIDS at checkout.)

How Pants Work

Inseamly humor.

Anna Fig

Written by

Anna Fig

Pseudonymously delicious.

How Pants Work

Inseamly humor.

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