Tips for Staying Safe Around a White Man in America
While seeing a white man can be an exciting treat while you’re going about your daily life, you should keep in mind that the average white man is actually quite unpredictable. In fact, recent studies have shown that the white man is the most dangerous creature on the planet.
And although most of the time a white man presents no danger—and might even offer to open a door for you, help you change a tire, or recommend going with the gas mower over the electric one—there are exceptions. Exceptions that, if you’re not cautious, could cause you great harm or death.
By following some basic tips, however, the threat a white man presents may be lessened significantly.
1. Try like hell to avoid encountering a white man.
The best way to keep yourself safe from one is just to avoid meeting one in the first place. You’re less likely to encounter a white man if you are in a Curves, the feminine products aisle at your local CVS, or clinging to a lifeless chunk of meteorite that’s hurling towards the outer rim of the solar system.
2. Scream disturbing things to scare them off.
If you’re somewhere that you suspect there may be white men, don’t panic. Making loud noises can sometimes scare them away. Try shouting something like “I need help changing this diaper.” Or, “I’m poor.” Or, “You look friendly. Do you have moment to chat about the environment?”
3. Choose appropriate clothing, skin color, and income level.
Want to stay off a marauding white man’s radar? Ditch that hoodie. And while you’re at it, ditch any skin that isn’t white. A glowing tan hue acquired while golfing in Scottsdale is copacetic. A level of brown or any shade of black that you acquired because you didn’t have the sense to be born to two Caucasian billionaires is not.
4. Pull out the permit for the concealed weapon you’re carrying very, very slowly.
A white man might feel threatened by you and your concealed weapon if you’re a non-white male or female or transgender or bearded or not bearded or in a wheelchair or in an hot air balloon or from another county or from another country or from the same country but just not the correct part of the same country.
In any case, it’s best to be safe and reveal the permit for the concealed weapon that you’re carrying when you’re around 300 yards from the white man. It’s typically a great shock to a white man that other people might be carrying guns and his default mode is to shoot first and deny later.
5. Never assume a white man’s smile means you’re safe.
Just like other dangerous predators in the animal kingdom, the white man often shows his teeth in the approximation of a friendly gesture before trying to convince you that the freedom to die in a hail of gunfire is the right of every American and should even be enjoyed by non-Americans, too. Like tourists. Or members of the media. So, if you see the smile, shelter in place until they move on.
6. Be cautious if you see a white man with a group of other white men.
There is safety in numbers, but not if those numbers are composed of white men. They may look harmless as they ride around in golf carts, but it’s possible that gathering of white men is actually vetting some additional white men to join them on the board of an oil company, or devising a way to impoverish half of the country by eliminating access to health care and make clinging to a lifeless meteorite that’s rocketing out of the solar system look pretty swell by comparison. You can’t be too careful. If they gather, there’s almost nothing they can’t accomplish and then blame on someone else if it polls poorly.
