How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

To: All Employees Transitioning Into the Home Office

FROM: Human Resources

Fellow coworkers, first of all:

We know the circumstances that have brought you here aren’t exactly the sunniest, but let us be the first to welcome you with open, and appropriately distant, arms. Please wash your hands. And wash them again.

Here are a few items you should make note of in order to make your (blissfully brief, fingers crossed!) duration in this facility as pleasant as possible.

First, please be aware that you are entering into a finely-tuned ecosystem fully capable of functioning before (and after) your arrival. Your presence in this workspace, while totally reasonably necessary, should not complicate the workdays of the others who work here.

Meadowlark (west wing, 2nd floor), for example, consistently naps every day from noon to 2:30 and has for the past two years. Asking her to lunch at 1:30 is not just ignorant, but disrespectful of her rights as an employee. It’s bordering on harassment. Don’t assume that your schedule is the same as, or more important than, everyone else’s. Especially hers.

Second, this office is very well stocked with various foodstuffs both nutritious and otherwise. You might not be used to working so close to so much food, and it might prove difficult to resist. But you’d do well to pretend it doesn’t exist, because we are having some trouble with our suppliers and probably won’t be able to order larger chairs for the foreseeable future.

Third, although the WiFi reception is certainly strongest in the first floor bathroom, all employees must refrain from watching videos of any sort while using (or pretending to use) the facilities. For one thing, it’s terribly inconsiderate to slow traffic for those of us attempting to video-conference or attend distance-learning live-streams. For another, it’s not like we have that many bathrooms. And it’s unsanitary. And sound really travels around here.

Dress code is very essential to our all getting along swimmingly in this office. It’s not a terribly stringent dress code, if I do say so myself, but there is simply no wiggle room when it comes to pants. You. must. wear. pants.

Please treat all of your coworkers with the same kind of respect you would have given to your former officemates. Passive-aggressive notes are not to be left in lieu of direct communication, especially, but not exclusively, because some of us can’t yet read.

Finally, I don’t know how you did things in the remote office, but this is not a place you should leave your dirty socks around. Someone’s mother works here, but yours doesn’t.

Let’s all do our part to make this transition as smooth as possible, hon — fellow employee. See you around the water cooler. And the couch. And the garage. And absolutely every single place there is from now on.

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