To Weather the Current Economic Climate, the Two Wolves Inside You Have Taken on a Roommate
Things have gotten so expensive recently!
How expensive are they? you ask. But this is no joke.
Those two wolves that live inside you — the one that is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego; and the one that is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith — brought in a third wolf to help pay the rent that you had no choice but to increase.
The new wolf’s name is Jerry. Before agreeing to put him on the lease agreement, you had him answer some basic screening questions and provide typical documentation of his financial qualifications. Jerry has a FICO score of 580 and no criminal record. Even better: Unlike the original two wolves — whom fair housing regulations prevent you from summarily evicting — Jerry is not interested in fighting. In fact, Jerry has been practicing Vipassana meditation for years and is a part-time mindfulness coach and creative writing instructor at the local YWCA.
You were careful not to ask about Jerry’s age, religion, subspecies, or habitat of origin. Jerry volunteered that he has had a lame foreleg since it was caught in an illegal steel jaw trap when he was but a pup, frolicking without a care in the world, in the wold.
The new wolf’s name is Jerry. He has a FICO score of 580 and no criminal record.
Good Wolf and Evil Wolf found Jerry through the wolf roommate site Lup.us (“Keeping Wolves at Your Door”). Bringing in a third wolf was not what they wanted, of course. Your original two wolves had long enjoyed sharing their special place in your soul — just the two of them, forever at odds but loyal furry frenemies — and were hesitant to disrupt the proverbial dynamic. Also, there’s only so much room inside you for fully-grown allegorical animals. Imagine if there were two elephants inside you!
As it happens, though, because being good and evil, respectively, have been full-time jobs for your two wolves, they simply lacked the wherewithal to pay to continue the living arrangement to which they had become accustomed. Indeed, neither wolf had ever worked a day at a traditional job. Evil Wolf considered selling off some of his shares of FOX, but Good Wolf’s father, a Wall Street banker, strenuously advised against it, noting that a recession can be a bad time to liquidate investments. At that point, your wolves had to take the bull by the horns.
Enter Jerry.
Of course, one wolf with only a part-time job (and a maimed paw) isn’t going to be able to foot the bill for three, so Evil Wolf and Good Wolf themselves had to find gainful employment as well. Good Wolf’s father put in a good word for Evil Wolf at JP Morgan Chase (previously Bear Stearns), while Good Wolf himself is now a retail sales associate at a Puma store.
The upshot of all of this is that now, even though the number of wolves inside you has increased by 50%, much of the time none of the wolves inside you is at home. (When Jerry isn’t helping others to breathe deeply, stay in the moment, or “show, don’t tell,” he’s working on a pilot based on his own experiences as a rebellious teenager in sheep’s clothing.) At the end of the workday, the wolves are just too tired to do battle for domination of your spirit.
As a result, it’s been pretty quiet inside you lately. Calm. Peaceful. In fact, sometimes, you have to hold your breath and listen very closely to tell whether there are any — hang on.
Something’s walking around in there. Padding…. Was that a meow?
God damn it. Your wolves got a cat. They snuck in a cat even though you made it clear that pets are not allowed. Is it Jerry’s cat? It doesn’t matter. Now you can kick them out!
Or maybe you just won’t feed any of them.
