TripAdvisor Reviews of the Hotel California

“Welcome!”

• The address on their website is listed as “on a dark desert highway.” WTF?! I called and they just said to follow the smell of “colitas.” What’s colitas?

• Hardest place I’ve ever had to find. At least the Love Shack has a faded sign by the side of the road that says “15 miles to the Love Shack.”

• Knew I was going to have a good time when the drive up smelled like “colitas.”

• Hard to find, and I only realized that I’d arrived when I encountered a shimmering, inconsistent light. I wound up staying because I was about to pass out. I thought I might be tired, but now I’m pretty sure that the Hotel California had a pretty bad gas leak going on. That would also explain a great many things about my stay.

• EXCELLENT customer service at check-in. For example, the front desk clerk was kind enough to light a candle and walk me all the way to my room, which was down a corridor. All the while, voices out of nowhere shouted out “Welcome to the Hotel California!” It was a lovely place.

• Such a lovely place!

• I hate staying in a crowded hotel, but there’s plenty of room at the Hotel California. Even in peak travel season. Really, any time of year!

• The entertainment! Every night out in the courtyard, a lovely woman named “Tiffany Twisted” delights audiences with her dancing, along with her backup dancers of pretty, pretty boys that she calls “Friends.”

• While the bartender goes by the authoritative nickname of “the Captain,” he doesn’t seem to know too much about bars or alcohol or his own stock. For example, I asked for him to bring some wine to the table, and he informed me that they haven’t stocked that spirit since “1969” or something. First of all, wine is not a spirit. Wine is wine. Spirits are hard alcohols, such as gin, tequila, or vodka. And I know for a fact that they’ve had that “spirit” since 1969 because the wine I wanted was a 2004 Malbec. Which I’d ordered the previous night.

• The welcoming voices that say “Welcome to the Hotel California” were pleasant at check-in, but then they woke me up in the middle of the night just to say that.

• Bring your alibis. The Hotel California doesn’t offer them, ha ha. What happens at the Hotel California, stays at the Hotel California, bro.

• The mirrors on the ceiling are a sexy touch, as is the bottle of pink champagne in a bucket of ice waiting in your room.

• When the manager brought up the pink champagne (on ice, it’s free!), I asked if she could open it and all she did was say “We’re all just prisoners here, of our own device.” It was really off-putting and I kept thinking about for the duration of my stay, which has yet to end. And she never opened the pink champagne.

• You don’t want to miss the nightly Feast in the Master’s Chambers, a signature experience at the Hotel California. It’s not like other special dinners or captain’s tables or exclusive dinners, because you get to kill the animal itself, some kind of roast boar, I believe. Everybody got a steely knife, and we all got a chance to stab it. I just couldn’t kill the beast, however, and so all I got to eat were the potatoes and salad, which were actually very delicious.

• The nightman at the desk was VERY rude. I was told upon check-in that I could checkout any time I liked without penalty. When I tried to do this, he said I could check out, but that I was not allowed to leave. He told me to “relax” which is just condescending. Also, I’m still here.

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