WarnerMedia Job Openings at The Ellen Show

Finally, there’s some good news.

(Via Pixabay)

E-commerce Customer Service Rep

• Process a high volume of “Be Kind” merchandise returns.
• Ability to defuse angry customers.
• Must be willing to work overtime.

Executive Assistant

• Serve pink slips to employees upon their return from vacation, bereavement, etc.
• Send flowers/cards to former employees/guests.
• Handwrite and sign personalized apology notes.
• Inspect suspicious packages addressed to Ellen.
• Ability to defuse angry employees.
• Ability to handle highly confidential, private, potentially racist/sexist information.

Dog Walker

• Walk, feed, and massage Ellen’s dogs.
• Pick up after Ellen’s dogs.
• May occasionally be asked to wipe Ellen’s ass.
• Must not make eye contact with Ellen.
• Temp to hire if you prove yourself.

Image/Marketing Consultant

• Develop a personal branding and marketing plan to save Ellen’s flailing career and tarnished reputation.
• Pitch creative and inventive ideas for the show that are different from Oprah’s (i.e., not giveaways).
• Need references from A-list celebrities or George W. Bush.

Etiquette Instructor

• Teach Ellen proper manners (no throwing scripts, dogs, or buckets of slime).
• Teach Ellen to use her indoor voice (no hissy fits).
• Teach Ellen to sit like a normal person (no feet on chairs or jumping on couches).
• Request training tips from the dog walker.
• Reward Ellen with compliments and vegan cauliflower puffs for good behavior.
• No experience is ok. Just be a nice person. Semi-nice is ok.

Sign Designer

• Create replicas of the “Do not look the host in the eye” sign that hangs in Ellen’s office.
• Create “Do Not Disturb” signs for Ellen to hang on her office door, green room, neck.
• Creative and artistic skills highly desired; bonus if you have Trader Joe’s signage experience.

Personal Bodyguard

• Provide 24/7 security.
• Assess if death threats from former employees/fans are valid.
• Ability to defuse explosives found in packages.
• Black belt training (optional).
• Firearms, tasers, grenades (required).

Protective Shield Designer

• Create bubble-like shield for Ellen to deflect projectiles, firebombs, and toxicity.
• Work with an armed bodyguard to test the efficacy of designs.
• Design and ballistics experience preferred.

Public Relations Director

• Save Ellen!
• Save The Ellen Show!
• Have 10+ years of experience in PR/crisis communications.
• Competitive salary + BONUS if you save our asses.

Janitor

• Take out 40-lb trash bags of used tissues tossed by emotionally distressed employees.
• Occasionally pick up dog turd in/around work areas that the soon-to-be fired dog walker missed.
• May be asked to clean up slime, goo, and mysterious brown streaks on Ellen’s couch.
• Ability to work uninterrupted and be unfazed by constant wailing, screaming, and/or nose blowing.
• Salary-ish + FREE “Be Kind” merchandise!

Talk Show Host

• Greet all guests and staff in a friendly, like-you-care manner while maintaining eye contact.
• Laugh only when appropriate and not at staff members who are reprimanded by superiors.
• Excellent, non-racist, non-sexist communication skills.
• Ability to sit for extended periods.
• Minimum 5+ years of experience as a host or 20+ years of experience as a receptionist.
• Must be willing to crop and dye hair blonde to match Ellen’s hairstyle!
• On-call; may lead to permanent position.