How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

What Kind of Fruit are You?

Take the Quiz!

Photo by Selim Çetin from Pexels

1. Does your father smell like you?

a. Yes
b. What?

a. You’re an elderberry.
b. Go to the next question.

2. Have you ever claimed to be a member of a club that no one believed you belonged to?

a. Yes.
b. No.

a. You’re a tomato.
b. Go to the next question.

3. How would you describe your body shape?

a. Pear-shaped.
b. Apple-shaped.
c. Other.

a. You’re a pear.
b. You’re an apple.
c. Go to the next question.

4. Do children like to lick you?

a. Yes.
b. Are you kidding?
c. What?

a. You’re a pervert.
b. You’re a lemon.
c. Go to the next question.

5. Can you drive stick shift?

a. Yes.
b. Somewhat.
c. No.

a. There’s a very real possibility that you are not a fruit.
b. You’re a mulberry.
c. Go to the next question.

6. Are you a fig?

a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Absolutely not.

a. You’re a fig.
b. Are you sure?
c. Okay then.

7. What is your position on tartness?

a. I am tart.
b. I am in a tart.
c. I am tart and in a tart.
d. I’m an actual tart.

a. You’re a cranberry.
b. You’re a strawberry.
c. You’re a gooseberry.
d. I’m telling your mom.

8. Describe your hair and divot situation.

a. Bald, no divots.
b. Bald, with a divot.
c. Hairy but divotless.
d. Hairy. Divotty, divotty doo.
e. Bald. Didgeri, didegeridoo.
f. Haired and posh.
g. What?

a. You’re a watermelon.
b. You’re a nectarine.
c. You’re a kiwi.
d. You’re a raspberry.
e. You’re a Tasmanian pepperberry.
f. You’re a Burberry.
g. Go to the next question.

9. Has anyone ever put “Old Man” in front of your name in a bad 50s sitcom?

a. Yes.
b. No.

a. You’re a crab apple.
b. Go to the next question.

10. Are you juicy?

a. Yes.
b. Sorta.
c. Not at all.

a. Congratulations. You’re an orange.
b. Go to the next question.
c. Have you tried supplements?

11. Fill in the blank: I have been used as a makeshift _____

a. boomerang.
b. cake topper.
c. poker chip.
d. murder weapon.
e. emotional support.
f. Olympic discus.

a. You’re a banana.
b. You’re a cherry.
c. You’re a sapodilla.
d. You’re a small-leafed myrtleberry.
e. You’re a serviceberry.
f. You’re a mangosteen.

12. Have you ever posed nude for a life drawing?

a. Yes.
b. No.

a. Jeez, put on a robe.
b. Is that because you’re…
b1. …unavailable in most grocery stores?
b2. …not photogenic enough?

b1. You’re a guava.
b2. Have you tried supplements?

13. Are you seedy?

a. How dare you?
b. Well…

a. You’re a satsuma.
b. Go to the next question.

14. Have you ever garrotted an aloe?

a. Yes.
b. Why do you ask?
c. How dare you?

a. Did you know that taking supplements is a convenient, non-violent way to moisturize?
b. Therapy. Therapy’s a good option too.
c. How dare you, limequat.

15. Have you ever appeared in a horror film dressed as a Catholic priest?

a. Yes.
b. Wait, what?

a. You’re an extra-virgin olive.
b. Go to the next question.

16. Do you pair well with death and soup?

a. Yes.
b. No.

a. You’re a boysenberry crouton.
b. Go to the next question.

17. Have you ever won a Best Actor Oscar for Scarface?

a. Yes.
b. No.

a. I don’t think supplements can help you at this point.
b. You’re a pineapple.

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Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.

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