What Not to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

HINT: It’s a lot.

So, you got your wife pregnant? I hope congratulations are in order. Though I don’t know you at all, I’m happy for you.

As a father of two young children myself, I’ve been where you are. My wife was pregnant too, and I learned that while it is a blissful and wonderful period of time, you might be so overcome with emotion or exhaustion or enthusiasm that you lose touch with reality and say things that might (will) upset your wife.

Whatever you do, never say any of the following to your amazing and lovely pregnant wife:

  1. “Do you remember those days when you used to be able to see your toes? No, neither do I.”
  2. “I had a dream last night that I was sharing a bed with a whale.”
  3. “You up for an Alien movie marathon this weekend?”
  4. “For dinner I’m going to eat salad because I’m really trying to keep my slim schoolboy figure.”
  5. ‘These bikini models in this fashion magazine have the most amazing bodies and are really, really good looking… if you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m not. At all.”
  6. “Go ahead, have a second piece of cake. If you’re going to get big, you might as well get really, really big.”
  7. “Shall we go muumuu shopping today?”
  8. “Some people are always going on and on about how beautiful pregnant women are, to which I always reply, ‘Sure, aside from the morning sickness and overwhelming amount of flatulence, they are.’”
  9. “When you were sleeping, I placed a whole bunch of my old action figures on your belly and pretended that they travelled to the moon!”
  10. “I know you aren’t feeling great this morning and that you are badly in need of a shower and are essentially living in those old pajamas, but I decided to surprise you by inviting over all of your girlfriends. They’ll be here in 5 minutes.”
  11. “No one ever talks about how hard and challenging and exhausting this has been for me.”
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