How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

What Your Favorite Salty Snack Says About You

Photo by Davner Toledo at Pexels

Goldfish crackers: You’ve gone snorkeling in a ball pool.

Lay’s ketchup chips: Your ringtone is a dental drill.

Cool Ranch Doritos: You play jazz tailpipe in your garage band.

Hot Rod sausage snacks: You butter your toast with a screwdriver.

Lay’s dill pickle chips: You’ve melted a block of gouda in your aunt’s pottery kiln.

Fritos corn chips: You’ve used hair gel as sunscreen.

Pringles original flavor: You’ve gone skydiving in a wetsuit “in case it rains.”

Yogurt peanuts: You take your caffeine nasally.

Trail mix: You smoke grass clippings “for medicinal purposes.”

Chex Mix: You smoke Popeye cigarettes “for entertainment purposes.”

Sun Chips harvest cheddar: You’ve converted a Lite-Brite box into a Land of the Lost matrix table.

Popcorn twists: Your youngest son’s teddy bear is stuffed with Harvest Crunch.

Funyuns: You’ve necropsied a My Little Pony.

Rold Gold: You’ve autopsied a Brony.

Pumpkin seeds: You have a large scar on your belly from that time you got drunk and went “bear-tipping.”

Hickory Sticks: You’ve voted for the Rhinoceros Party.

Smartfood white cheddar popcorn: You think that nougat is a vitamin.

Miss Vickie’s honey dijon chips: You own a pair of emergency suspenders.

Wasabi peas: You’ve had to let your dog out for 8 diarrhea runs in one evening.

Cheetos puffs: You sniff orange Volvos for a high.

Bugles original: Glenn Miller is buried under your driveway.

Bits & Bites: You’ve received 180 complaints about your lawn ornaments.

Ritz crackers: You’ve shoveled your front walk with a Jell-O pudding pop.

Ringolos bbq: You’ve worked as a bouncer at an asexual bar.

Beef jerky: You’ve eaten peanut butter straight out of the bag.

Salt and vinegar Kettle chips: You know a farmer. You perform services for him of an agricultural nature. He pays you in ingots of manure.

Ruffles sour cream ‘n bacon: Your top 3 career matches are: 1) Judge Judy, 2) Chicken sexer, and 3) Canadian sport fisherman.

Flamin’ hot Cheetos: You own a pit bull and write Pingu erotica semi-professionally.

Savory Nerds: You were the last one picked for softball and the first one picked off in dodgeball.

Pork floss: You’ve killed a cockroach with a slingshot.

Pork rinds: You’ve killed a cockroach with a blowtorch.

Pork chitlins: You’ve killed a cockroach with a sledgehammer.



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Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.