Which Type of Pest Exterminator Are You?
Take This Love Quiz!
Fall is a busy time for unwanted critters. Can you destroy skeletons and exoskeletons without breaking too many hearts?
1. What’s your ideal date on a crisp autumn evening?
A) I’m up for anything cuddly together. Netflix, warm cider by the fire, flea bombing, or all of these at once.
B) A very private cheese tasting in my cozy hermetically sealed home that is filled with cats.
C) A seductive art-house horror flick, following a thoughtful perimeter ceiling inspection.
D) Dumpster diving. I’m real, real curious and dirty.
2) Your sweetheart has been sick for a week with the first flu of the season. How do you show her you care?
A) Assess her symptoms. Decide if she needs chicken soup, a doctor, or romantic quarantine.
B) Come over with Bromadiolone in case I need to stop her suffering. She’s cute, but I’ve killed cuter.
C) Bring a get well card and NyQuil. Also a cross and a stake. Just in case.
D) Aaagh! Lay low! I can’t risk more malady during mating season!
3) She’s asked you to meet her parents! What do you do?!
A) When things get serious, I’m always prepared. I’ll bring a service contract.
B) Bring my famous bean dip to show I’m a provider and a great cook. Also a flashlight to look for droppings and points of entry.
C) Bring my triple garlic roasted bruschetta.
D) Amble over casually with an open smile and let my personality do the work.
4) Uh oh, now you did it: your first quarrel as a couple. How do you handle the big fight?
A) Depends on how many of her there are, and how many eggs she’s laid. Oh, wait — I mean, talk it out.
B) Glue traps.
C) I always take the high road, except the times I duck and swipe at the air with a broom.
D) Fake my own death. I hate confrontation.
5) What makes you most insecure in dating?
A) Losing my certification in a time of biblical plagues.
B) I have night terrors about the Rat King abducting my lady…
C) When my girlfriend won’t wear the nice, safe turtleneck I bought for her. WHY WON’T SHE WEAR THE TURTLENECK?! WHY DOES SHE FLIRT WITH IMMORTALITY?
D) The fear of finding out that I have even more children somewhere.
Mostly A’s: Flexible Insect Exterminator. You’re not a one-size-fits-all kind of guy. You take the time to find out what a lady needs, whether it’s a listening ear, foot massage, or perimeter spray.Your biggest risk is losing your own sense of self by trying to please others.
Mostly B’s: Dependable Rodent Exterminator. You’re loyal and strong, and can make tough calls. You’re the James Bond of extermination, except less suave and handsome. But be careful, because sometimes your passion for controlled populations can come across as cold or uncaring.
Mostly C’s: Noble Bat Exterminator. You’re a brave man who’s not afraid to take on the dark side. A gentleman warrior of a different era. But watch out, you have a latent jealousy of the vampire life, and are sometimes tempted to give up everything for immortality.
Mostly D’s: Frisky Possum Exterminator. You’re a relaxed adventurer, always up for a good time. There is literally nothing you won’t do. Be sure to get tested weekly for rabies and other transmitted diseases.