Your Narcissistic, Two-Faced Coworker Applies to Heaven
To the Lord of Lords, Most High of the Most High, Shiniest of the Shiny:
I am writing regarding Saint Peter’s rejection of my application to heaven. I realize that many souls more respectable than I are also applying, seeing as everyone on Earth just died from a giant asteroid. But I humbly beseech You, O Lord, to reconsider this wretched soul’s application.
Saint Peter gave me a list of reasons why I was rejected, based on visions of my coworkers past. If I may, Heavenly Father: I worry that Saint Peter — that most revered Gatekeeper with the Greatest of Beards (second only to Your Own, of course) — may be overworking himself, for his list is tainted by clouded judgment.
- I truly meant it when I repeatedly told Carol she was “sooo brilliant” after she told our boss Dan that I kept calling her an idiot. She IS brilliant. And lovely. And wise. I said that only an idiot wouldn’t hire her!
- I never “mansplain” anyone’s jobs to them. As the one in charge of office organization, recordkeeping, and human resources, Tim should know exactly that.
- I shamefully admit that I may have been blessed with some of Your omniscience, at least with regards to Susan. How utterly miraculous that we kept having the same award-winning ideas!
- The fact that I treated Dan to dinner every week and babysat his kids for him every weekend was not sucking up. It’s just that I loved Dan with an intense and raw passion, fueled by his incredible leadership, kindness, and compassion.
- ADDENDUM: Dan is, of course, incomparable to You, my Lord — though I do humbly request that You speak with him about my credentials.
- Regarding Saint Peter’s remarks that all my coworkers suggested I “go to hell”: I’m there now, and I hate it.
I await in earnest for Your most divine intervention with regard to this matter.
With the most sincere and purest of hearts, I remain,
Your biggest fan,