Ask Polly: Lightning Round!
The author of New York’s popular advice column Ask Polly is here to answer your pressing questions, big and small.
Nobody has all of the answers to life’s pressing questions. In fact, very few people have any answers at all. I started writing an advice column called Ask Polly for The Awl in 2012 mostly because I had always been interested in figuring out how to give your life meaning and purpose in spite of the pressures and paradoxes of modern culture. In my column, I tackled career troubles, marital problems, recurring depression, friendship snafus and hundreds of other dilemmas (and Ask Polly moved from The Awl to New York Magazine’s The Cut in 2014) — but I still I haven’t stumbled on the one secret to living your best life. What I have discovered is that compassion for yourself, a strong belief in yourself, and a willingness to try new things (and sometimes fail at them) can go a long way towards making you a hell of a lot happier.
Blind faith and an ability to tolerate failure? Those sound like the sorts of shoddy, half-assed skills you might attribute to some scrappy underdog in a repetitive children’s story — maybe a stinky toad with bad habits, or a neurotic hedge hog with low self-esteem. What do these things have to do with real life in the mixed up, toxic, deeply sick modern world?
Personally, I’ve found that when you treat yourself with compassion and choose to believe that you have something to offer, the world shifts dramatically around you. Once you believe in who you are, right here and now, in all of your imperfect, dejected, frustrated, angry glory, you no longer have to prove yourself or argue or fight with anyone. You can just show up and give everything you have to give, without fear. That in and of itself is beautiful. You can let other people in, give them some space, listen to them, and make them feel heard and seen. You can treat other people with compassion, in other words. And you can work hard and savor your work, maybe for the first time ever. Once you accept who you truly are and what you truly want and what you have to offer, all of sudden, you will go from trying to “fix” something that’s wrong with you and your life to realizing how much you have already.
All of that sounds crazy. I get that. But the bottom line is this: You have to stop assuming that there’s something wrong with you. You have to stop telling yourself that you’re doing everything badly. And you have to start realizing that you have everything you need to be happy right now. By accepting who you are and sallying forth with that spirit of self-acceptance, everything becomes easier. When you stop assuming that there’s something wrong with you, you stop taking every single rejection — real or imagined — personally.
So, what will I say to help you, specifically? What advice will I give you that will change everything? I have no fucking idea, frankly. Write your question by clicking on the response below and let’s find out!
Check back here next week to see which questions are answered. And while you’re waiting, order my brand new book How To Be a Person in the World, which was published by Doubleday on July 12th.
