Ask Polly: Should I Dump My Long-Distance Boyfriend Over the Phone?

Dear Polly,

I am in a long-distance relationship that I need to end. My boyfriend lost his job last month, and I think it forced a lot of difficult feelings and issues to the forefront, none of which he seems to be really sensitive to as a threat to our relationship. I was having doubts about our relationship pre-job loss, and the fallout following the job loss has brought these doubts to the surface — not because he does not have a job, I have full faith that he will be ok and bounce back, and the no job thing does not reflect poorly on him for me at all. It’s more about communication and our ability to connect, which again, he does not have a problem with. He calls me the love of his life, wants to marry me, etc. and I feel awful that I have to end this. I’ve been twisted up about ending things with him for weeks, and feel physically sick over it at times.

I want to add that he has a history of mental illness, and has a tendency to fall into deep depression, and I’m concerned for him. So much so that I was considering putting off the breakup. However, he started looking for jobs where I live, and I don’t think it’s fair to have him continue do that if I want to end the relationship, of course.

Ideally, I would have liked to go to him to break up with him, but we had existing plans for him to visit me, and I can’t change course without him being suspicious (tried and he got testy, and is insisting he come here). Would it be really awful to break up with him here? How can I do it? I’m really twisted up about this and hope that you can answer. I’ve been scouring your archives for something similar, but decided I wanted to ask you directly.

Thanks so much.

Long Distance Ambivalence

Dear Long Distance Ambivalence,

There’s no good or easy answer here. I think you should probably just call him and voice your doubts, and tell him you’ve had these doubts for a while. You don’t want this to be happening, of course, but it is. What else can you possibly do? Your feelings have changed. You don’t feel close to him, and you don’t really feel like the two of you are a good match.

I broke up with someone over the phone once. We’d only been dating for a few months but I knew it would never last and I didn’t want to wait a month to see him and THEN dump him. It seemed unfair. He was angry about my breaking up over the phone but I couldn’t stand the thought of him getting on a plane to visit me, just to get dumped in person. Personally, I would’ve preferred the phone to that if I were him.

But everyone is different. I know that I personally can’t put these kinds of things off or keep them to myself for very long. But other people wait and map things out and choose the “right” moment. Still, how is any moment right for getting dumped?

I feel terrible for your guy because there is, hands down, nothing worse than dealing with a giant heartbreak when you’re unemployed. OK that’s bullshit, there are way worse things. But for a depressed person, that is a giant mind fuck right there.

That said, what the fuck can you do? You can’t just wait around for him to get a job and then dump him. You can’t allow him to board a plane, hopes high, and then lay it on him when he arrives. I have a friend whose girlfriend dumped him a few days after he moved to town. No. That is just… No. Breaking up in person is not so critical that you can justify fucking up someone’s entire long-term life plan.

I hate to bring the misery down on this poor guy, but the alternative is to delay this indefinitely, until he gets his life together. What if more bad shit happens in the meantime? I would call him and explain how you’re feeling. Tell him you’ll talk as much as he wants to talk, but tell him that seeing each other feels like a mistake right now. Be generous and patient with his feelings, but don’t put his feelings before yours. Bullshitting him and letting him fly to you and then hear he’s being dumped doesn’t do much good if you ask me. I know not everyone alive would agree, but I hate being bullshitted so much. It makes me feel much lonelier than anything else.

I know this is a really rough moment in your life, and in his, but there’s no way to wish this moment away. Sometimes a crisis has a way of turning everything around, and clarifying what’s important. Good luck to both of you.

Polly