All You Need Is (Secure) Love — How To Manage Stress In Close Relationships
As Aristotle said, ‘Humans are by nature social animals’, implying that social connections are the very core of who we are and so, by extension, they are paramount to our wellbeing.
As it turns out, Aristotle was spot on and a large body of empirical research supports his belief.
Alongside many studies on the topic, an 80-year-long longitudinal Harvard study found that, among other factors, it is good quality relationships that most significantly contribute to our happiness, health, and life longevity. On the flip side, people who are more isolated than they want to be, experience a faster health and brain function decline, and live shorter lives, than those who aren’t lonely.
Importantly, though, not all relationships contribute to our overall well-being.
Unsurprisingly, Harvard researchers found that relationship quality matters and only good quality ones appear to impact us in a positive way. Dr Waldinger, the lead researcher of the Harvard Adult Development project, admonishes that whilst those in securely-attached relationships were happier and healthier overall and in the old age, those in high-conflict marriages or insecurely-attached partnerships experienced poor health and even an early memory decline.
In short, stressful relationships are detrimental not only to our well-being, but also to our physical health.
It seems quite obvious, then, that we should avoid poor-quality relationships in life.
Sounds easy? Perhaps. But in practice, it’s harder than we may think.
Firstly, not always do we have a choice in regard to who we have to interact with on a daily basis. The few lucky ones might naturally get on with their family members and be surrounded by supportive work environment where the majority of their professional relationships are fulfilling and nurturing. The majority of us will, at some point in our lives, have to interact with ‘difficult’ relatives, coworkers, or bosses.
However, we do have a choice when it comes to selecting close friends and romantic partners, but building nurturing close relationships seems even more tricky.
Now, don’t get me wrong — closely relating with others isn’t easy and any kind of relationship is bound to go through highs and lows, periods of harmony and conflict, times of joy and sadness.
But it would seem logical that the moment a relationship starts generating more distress than fulfillment over a longer period of time, most of us would strive to distance ourselves from it. And yet, we often don’t. I know many people who did or still do experience a lot of distress in their romantic relationships and friendships; and I have certainly been in their shoes many times in the past.
Why do we do that? Why do we often put up with relationships, both in private life and at work, that predominantly distress us? What can we do to seek, choose, form, and maintain secure, good-quality relationships? And, on the flip side, avoid unnecessary stress in close relationships?
It all comes down to the way we naturally attach to others.
Attachment Theory.
Psychologists will tell you that although we are all wired for connection, whether we can connect with others in a secure way or not, in large part depends on your childhood experiences.
Through these early-life experiences, including the way we were treated by our parents, relatives, and first non-familial ‘others’, we unconsciously shape the way of attaching that affects our behaviour in close relationships in the adult life.
The Attachment Theory is an extensive and complex framework which explains a variety of phenomena — from our basic needs, through our natural reactions toward emotional closeness, to relationship choices.
In short, however, people can be divided into three types — secure, anxious, and avoidant.
About 50% of the population is estimated to have a secure attachment style, being naturally capable of forming healthy, safe relationships with others.
Anxious and avoidant types, demonstrating a variety of behaviours hindering the development of secure relationships, comprise ca. 20% and 25% respectively.
Each of the types responds differentially to close relationships — “securers” show a healthy degree of intimacy and assertiveness; “avoidants” tend to prioritise independence and avoid commitment; whilst the “anxious” over-fixate on their relationships and become quite naurotic when closely attaching to others.*
* If you’re interested to read more about the Attachment Theory and each of the types, we published a longer article on the topic here.
Although seemingly simple in theory, human relationships aren’t that simple in real life, and even if your dominant style is secure, anxious, or avoidant, you’re likely to show a mix of different behaviours in different contexts and your behaviour is likely to change depending on who you interact with.
That’s why it’s crucial that we all learn the basics of the Attachment Theory, to better understand ourselves and others in the context of close relationships.
Most importantly, attachment styles are not static, and psychologists argue that unhelpful attachment behaviours can be developed to bring any individual closer to becoming more secure in the way they interact with others.
Secure Is The Way.
Why is it so important that we strive to become securely attached in our relationships, you may ask?
Firstly, research shows that secures are consistently more happy and feel more supported [1], are less likely to become depressed [2], are healthier [3], retain more stable relationships, and become more successful [4] than the other types.
Secondly, it doesn’t take science to predict that anxious or avoidant behaviours are generally distressing for both sides in any relationship, and that they are likely to hinder both the relationship quality and longevity.
And whilst you cannot really control how other people behave toward you, you certainly can develop more secure behaviours toward others. That, in turn, might either invite them to adopt more constructive behaviours themselves or will give you a new perspective on whether you should be closely relating with them in the first place.
Start Simple; Start Now.
So, how can we work toward developing behaviours characteristic of a securely-attached individual and, by extension, create more secure relationships in our life:
- Know thyself and know others.
Firstly, be mindful of how you behave in different kinds of contexts, from romantic, through familial and friendships, to professional. Try to spot if in any of these you tend to fall into extremes, becoming either too anxious or too avoidant.
Secondly, observe the behaviours of others and try to identify whether it’s situational contexts that elicit unconstructive reactions in you or whether your anxiety or avoidance happens on its own accord, across multiple contexts. Chances are that interacting with someone with anxious behavioural tendencies will tempt you to distance yourself from them, and vice versa.
However, if the other person shows no signs of extreme behaviours — they are mostly secure, healthily independent and assertive, but also sufficiently attentive — the onus is likely to be on you.
2. Change thyself and the world will change with you.
Most articles I read on the topic of changing your inherent attachment style, recommend that you seek professional support to facilitate the process; and there’s nothing wrong with it. Psychotherapy and coaching can help you deal with a variety of more complicated issues, and changing one’s unconscious way of relating to others certainly can be considered as such.
However, as pointed out by Mark Manson in his brilliant article, there’s a lot each of us can do to move closer to adopting more helpful behavioural patterns; and the wealth of literature on the topic can definitely help with that.
For instance, according to Bartholomew and Horowitz‘s model [5], one’s attachment strategy reflects their positive/negative self-image and positive/negative image of others.
According to this model, secures display positive self-image and image of others, anxious harbour a negative self-image, but positive image of others (hence they often place others on the so-called ‘pedestal’), whilst avoidants show a positive self-image, but negative image of others (thus, their distance is often paired with a layer of arrogance). By extension, anxious-avoidants tend to have a negative image of both self and others.
From this model, we can infer that in order to move closer to the secure attachment style, the anxious type can work on developing a more positive self-image — find a hobby or passion to master, do more of the things that bring them joy and fulfillment, devote a sufficient amount of time to self-care, and surround themselves with caring and supportive people.
Avoidant types, on the other hand, can practice opening themselves to others more — by helping a friend or co-worker with a complex issue or problem, volunteering, donating in or supporting an important cause, practicing empathy, and finding something great in everyone they meet.
3. Communicate.
Every relationship necessarily involves two people and, therefore, clear, constructive communication is key in ensuring that both parties can connect with one another in a secure way.
Whilst it might feel uncomfortable at first to communicate to the other party that you might be struggling with anxious or avoidant tendencies, doing so in a constructive way might help them to better understand your behaviour and realise what you need from them to feel more secure.
If it’s the other person who behaves in an anxious or avoidant way (or mix thereof), they may not always realise the impact their behaviour has on you, and so it’s even more important that you communicate it to them in an empathetic way.
There are many books and articles on how to develop a constructive communication style, but the one I would recommend is Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen from the Harvard Negotiation Project. The book aptly addresses the biggest issues preventing people from communicating in an effective way in a variety of contexts, from romantic to professional.
We will address the topic of stress-free communication in our future articles, but in the meantime you may want to check out this book, or any other on the topic.
As shown in our article on attachment styles, relating with others isn’t always a straightforward task, and people often display unconscious attachment patterns that might prevent them from building secure relationships.
However, I believe that by being mindful of our and others’ behavioural patterns, actively addressing our potential shortcomings, and effectively communicating with others, we all have a capacity of developing a secure attachment style, and therefore building and maintaining more fulfilling relationships in all areas of life. In some cases, working with a therapist or coach might be necessary, and certainly can speed up the process.
Close relationships can be a great source of gratification in our lives and, as a wealth of research suggests, fulfilling social connections are paramount to our health and mental wellbeing. Thus we think it should be our utmost priority to learn how to relate with those we care about in a secure and nurturing way, and actively avoid those that cause more distress than delight in our lives.
How to deal with stress is a publication packed with tips and techniques for dealing with stress and anxiety in everyday settings — brought to you by Agnieszka (Aggie) Zbieranska & Leon Taylor.
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[1] Ognibene, T. C., & Collins, N. L. (1998). Adult attachment styles, perceived social support and coping strategies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(3), 323–345.
[2] Roberts, J. E., Gotlib, I. H., & Kassel, J. D. (1996). Adult attachment security and symptoms of depression: The mediating roles of dysfunctional attitudes and low self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(2), 310–320.
[3] Feeney, J. A. (2000). Implications of attachment style for patterns of health and illness. Child: Care, Health & Development, 26(4), 277–288.
[4] Blustein, D. L., Prezioso, M. S., & Schultheiss, D. P. (1995). Attachment Theory and Career Development: Current Status and Future Directions. The Counseling Psychologist, 23(3), 416–432
[5] Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226
