10 Things You Should Be Doing Daily to Remain Mediocre Scum

New York, a place where you’ll never make it.

CEOs, celebrities, competitive gymnasts, and billionaires all have one thing in common: you’ll never be any of them. It’s not easy being unremarkable; one lucky break is enough to send you down a slippery slope to being a person worthy of taking up as much space as you do. All it takes is one success for your parents to maybe want to acknowledge you. What if your googly-eyed sock puppet startup becomes successful and people try to talk to you? Yikes. We can’t have that happen.

1. Fleetingly think “maybe I’ll go to the gym today” knowing fully well you won’t
2. Never buy a wine you can’t get at a gas station
3. Brush your teeth exactly twice a day, but never floss. This is crucial
4. Have dozens of restaurants bookmarked but never go to any of them. Scroll through these daily, sigh, and then go to the questionable taco place a block from your sad apartment. As if you can afford anything with the word “fusion” in it
5. Wake up at 6am. Flip your pillow over and go back to sleep like the trash you are
6. Have a planner from 2013 somewhere in the bottom of your desk drawer that only has one entry for “dentist” in June (you didn’t go; he was just going to yell at you about flossing anyway)
7. Download at least 12 productivity apps
8. Don’t use the productivity apps
9. Whenever your boss asks for new ideas, act like you’re in Jurassic Park and don’t move or make eye contact
10. Buy coffee when you don’t even need the caffeine boost. Instagram your coffee cup and write a caption that says something like “On my grind!” with the buff arm emoji. God, you disgust me

I hope this list keeps you in your goddamn place.

Ellie Guzman has a website, a free bimonthly newsletter, and too much time on her hands.