How to Make Time (Click for Super Simple Recipe and Ingredients)

A delicious plate of time served on aesthetically distracting flatware and wood finish.

Need a good way to make time for yourself despite a hectic schedule? Look no further! With this simple 7 ingredient recipe, you’ll be serving up a delicious main course of Time.
Note: recipe is gluten- and self-help book- free. Substitute shot of vodka for whiskey if you’re into that. Recipe contains no thyme.

Yield
Servings: 2
Prep Time: n/a
Total Time: ∞

Ingredients:

  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 7 small problems
  • 2 tablespoons of DayQuil® non-drowsy formula
  • 2 16oz. RedBull® energy drink
  • 1 bottle of anxiety
  • 1 shot of vodka and chaser
  • 4 schedule conflicts

Prep:

Up until this point you have had no time to speak of, so skip straight to the directions and wing it.

Directions:

  1. Pre-heat large skillet and evenly coat surface with 2 tbsp olive oil. Add anxiety before the skillet is warmed and ready for it.
  2. Add small problems, sautéing fully with anxiety until well-done. Bring heat to medium-low simmer and slowly pour DayQuil® non-drowsy formula over contents of the skillet, stirring throughout, to prevent drowsiness in combatting the impending ailments.
  3. While the sautéed problems simmer, chop sleep in uneven increments and wash in salad spinner, turning over and over. It is to be expected that pieces are lost in the process.
  4. Set aside the irregularly chopped sleep, and continue to stir the small problems and anxiety. The anxiety may look like it is going to bubble over (and it might!) but this allows the small problems to really soak the essence of complication.
  5. Next, take the shot of vodka and chaser. This has nothing to do with the rest of the recipe, you will just need it to get through the rest of the process.
  6. Taking the 4 schedule conflicts, press them between two heavy hardcover books and towels similar to the process of pressing tofu to remove excess moisture. When you feel you are pressing too hard, keep pressing. Put your whole weight into it, until there is literally nothing left to give. Set aside books to read some time later, and add the schedule conflicts to the mixture. Lower heat to a slight simmer and cover.
  7. Cover skillet long enough for all ingredients to marinate together and turn a nice, cloudy gray, but not long enough to forget about the small problems, as they are still there underneath everything else.
  8. The vodka will have had this point begun to “soften the noodles,” (your sensibilities) so to speak. Now, consume at least one can of RedBull® to “rinse the noodles” (effectively stopping the cooking) so you can move on to the final step. You’ll need the balance of uppers and downers to make it through this.
  9. When Siri reminds you that you were supposed to call and reschedule your dentist appointment (again), turn off the burner and hastily stow the contents of your preparation into plastic containers (if you can find the lids). You can reheat them later.
  10. Order pad thai from the Postmates app and admit defeat.