Tell Me What You Did Today, And I’ll Spit Right In Your Ugly Face

You’re almost as pathetic as this inbred little pug.

“Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata, ain’t no passing craaaaaaa-zuh!” — My friends Timon and Pumba who own a lion daycare startup in San Francisco

Timon and Pumba were completely right. Raw insects are delicious.

Shouldn’t you be doing something right now and not staring at your computer like an absolute nincompoop? I’m currently meditating at the top of a waterfall while doing sudoku (which I excel at, by the way, unlike you) and am listening to my wife tell me about how her day went. I love my wife. Mmmmm… m’wife. I’m going to mention her 57 more times to remind you how alone you are.

You don’t have your shit together, unlike me. You believe that you’re doing something useful with your life, but everybody knows you’re full of crap. Even your mirror doesn’t believe you. It has a sticky note on it that says “YOU SUCK!” that your kid put on it to mess with you, because he hates you.

The way you behave directly affects the way that your life progresses. Boom. Done. Jon Westenberg, eat your heart out buddy because I just became King of Medium. Cup the balls now, gently. They’re sensitive. I said gently!

You have no results because you have no confidence due to your lack of results which stem from how much you hate yourself. If you don’t figure this shit out, you will have depression and feline AIDS.

How close are you living to what I tell you to do?

How conflicted are you about reading the rest of this article or returning to PornHub?

I’m not above internal conflict. I’m not a god. Yet.

I find myself constantly picking at my belly button and when I find something I sniff it
I’m addicted to my wife’s home-made crystal meth, knowing it’s the reason I might or might not have eaten my state senator’s face
I often go days without writing because I have a goddamn life and get laid unlike you, but it’s okay because you’ll love it when I shove my eBook, Harry Potter and the Productivity Hacks, down your nasty little throat

In all honesty, I’m perfect. God, I wish I could clone myself and eat my own ass. Gotta keep going to yoga to get more flexible.

There’s no way around it. If you want to be successful, you have to act successful, and magically morph into a white male like me. Good luck if you aren’t. As Aristotle said, “L’eggo my Eggo.”

We Live Our Lives In 24 Hour Periods. These Are Called “Days” By The Illuminati.

You life has to be solid. Not liquid, not gas, not plasma; solid. It’s okay, I don’t know what that means either.

How was your day today?

Wait don’t tell me. I’m already bored to tears just looking at you.

Seriously. You can tell how serious I’m being because of all the space I’m using.

Look at how my paragraphs are one sentence:

Wheeeee!

Look back on everything you did today. Did you act like the person I say you have to become?

If you repeated today every day for the next year (like you’re some poor person that works in a factory or something), realistically, where would you end up? I, for example, would end up with a chafed dick because of how much I jacked off today.

In order to achieve your dreams, what does a “normal” day look like? Is it as awesome as mine?

One of the best ways to consciously design your ideal life is to start with your ideal day, the same way I designed this redundant sentence.

My ideal day includes the following:

7–8 hours of sleep in which I thrash and scream
Conscious eating, which includes unhealthy and simple foods. And more than 3000 calories of junk food. At least one meal each day is eaten with my family if I can’t escape out the window before they sit down
0–0 minutes of exercise
15–30 minutes of watching old YouTube videos
1–2 hours of engaged gossiping
3–5 hours of undistracted Netflix (which doesn’t include email, unless I’m specifically reaching out to GrubHub for some nachos)
2+ undistracted hours avoiding my kids (no smartphone)
1+ undistracted hours with my wife (no smartphone, unless we’re roleplaying Steve Jobs and Wozniak again)

It doesn’t matter which order these activities occur because clearly I have the whole damned day to do whatever I want. If I did all of these activities, I’d still have over three hours of “in-between” time to check email, eat meals (yes, I have time to sit down and eat like a fancy pants from Fancy Town), drive (a Prius, no doubt), spontaneous service (I have zero idea what this means but at this point I’m just typing while trying to suck my own dick), be distracted, talk on the phone to a friend and fellow entrepreneur, and all the other things that pop-up, like avoiding people with clipboards on the street.

Of course, my days don’t always reflect what I’ve detailed above. Probably only half of my days look like that which is a tragedy on the scale of the goddamn Titanic. The other half are a lesser version, filled with intermittent self-sabotage, like “having a job” and “going to my son’s violin recital”.

We are all in complete control of how we spend our time. If we don’t believe we are, we have an external locus of control (i.e., victim-mentality) and will remain so until we claim personal responsibility. I, a white male in a heterosexual relationship, am the authority on victim-mentality.

What does your ideal day look like? Oh shit, didn’t I already ask you?

How often do you live your ideal day? My guess is never because you suck.

If you were to consistently live your ideal day, where would you be in one year from now? Where would you be in five years? I’d be drinking out of a coconut on an island only life-hackers know about.

Call to Action:

Look, it’s a call to action. You know that because I made a bullet-list for it.
Make a list of your ideal activities on a piece of paper. Crumple that paper up and eat it.

Something About Motivation. Why Is This Article So Long?

My attention span is quickly dwindling. Here are more bullets:

Wouldn’t it be fucked up if we had to eat our teeth when they fell out
I’m 99% sure my dog is poisoning my shampoo
I once ate an onion like it was an apple

In order to not only achieve goals, but surpass them, you have to put in effort. Wowza. Mind = blown.

Implementation Intentions

That’s the name of my ska band

There will be challenges on your path. Acknowledge them, anticipate them, face them head on, and surpass them. Literally that’s all this section says. Oh and here’s some research.

Call to action:

DJ Khaled voice: “anotha one”
Work on freestyle rap prowess
Eggs
Bread
Soymilk
Strawberries
Those tiny little weird bananas
Cocoa puffs

Conclusion

Wait, am I still talking?

Oh, uh, yeah, productivity. Or is this life hacks? Oh I remember, this is about you having pathetic days and how much my days rule. Sweet.

Mr. Krabs from Spongebob Squarepants said it best: “What is today, but yesterday’s tomorrow?” Now tell me that ain’t some deep shit.