Who Else Wants to Know About Gender Equality and The Karpman Drama Triangle?
Gender equality is one of the aims of the 21st Century social interactions. We hear so much about the need for eliminating gender stereotypes in the home and in public life. A lot has been done in this respect to level the playground between both sexes. Unfortunately, many people are at a loss when it comes to true equality in their social interactions.
Why do I say this? I have observed that many people who advocate gender equality are ignorant of dynamics in their social interactions. This leads to a lot of problems, some of which will be explored in this article.
In reference to dynamics in social interactions, a brilliant analyst known as Stephen Karpman came up with a theory known as Karpman Drama Triangle. This theory explains some of the unhealthy dynamics that occur in human interactions. There are three points of the triangle: Rescuer, victim, and persecutor. Many people find themselves acting the role of one of these players at one time or the other.
Here’s the victim. For the purpose of this article, let us assume the victim is a female. She becomes a victim by portraying herself as someone who has suffered a lot, be it financially, physically, romantically or otherwise. This woman seeks a heterosexual partner who will rescue her and strangely enough, she also desires an equal partner. Then the rescuer, which we will assume is a man, comes in.
The rescuer is a man who ostensibly wants an equal partner, a woman who is not submissive, but subconsciously seeks a victim. He is in luck, because there are an endless supply of victims out there. Then the relationship dance begins.
The victim tells her partner in detail about the bad, bad things that have happened to her at the hands of men. Or she tells him of how she wants a man who will look after her financially, or healthwise. The rescuer is happy to be of help, because his White Knight instincts have been aroused. He gives the lady lots of love, as he’s trying to show her that he’s different from the jerks she has met. He gladly takes up financial responsibilities in the relationship, after all that’s what a real man does. He gives her lots of helpful free advice, mostly unsolicited and is grateful that the woman looks up to him. But this lasts for just a short while.
After some time, the woman wants some measure of independence, while she still wishes to rely on him. This makes the man more manipulative and controlling, as he’s desperately trying to maintain the same dynamics of the relationship. More resistance from the woman, which causes more controlling and manipulative behaviour. The man becomes a persecutor, as he starts blaming her for her bad behaviour, her reluctance to follow his good advice, etc. The relationship ends and the man has two choices: become a victim or look for someone else to rescue.
How can someone who strives for gender equality avoid the Karpman Drama Triangle? To avoid playing the role of the victim, you would do well to refrain from telling people about the bad things that have happened to you. Relate only the lessons from the negative experiences, not the experiences themselves. You can’t expect that you will be in an association someone will take care of you and treat you as their equal. Looking for a man/woman who will help you financially without your doing anything commensurate to earn that money encourages victimhood. If you are physically or psychologically challenged, look for a nurse to care for you, not an equal partner. Habitually turning to someone for advice/ opinion will encourage victimhood. These are some of the things you would do well to stop in order to avoid attracting rescuers to yourself.
To avoid playing the part of a rescuer and attracting unequal partners to yourself, learn to derive your self-worth from your character strengths, not from helping others. When people come to you to ask for money or something for free, ask them pleasantly if there’s anything they will be willing to do in exchange for what you are giving them. This will discourage people from depending on you. Curb your Florence Nightingale and White Knight tendencies by asking yourself when you want to make a friend if you like someone just because s/he seems in need of help and takes your advice or because you both share ideals, values, character strengths, goals and worldview.
You can avoid playing the part of a persecutor by understanding that just because you gave or received help from someone doesn’t mean both of you are friends. No matter how many times you give solicited help to a person, that’s not a basis for friendship. And you are not obliged to regard someone as your friend for the sole reason that s/he has been helpful. This realization will help you stop feeling entitled and resentful in your social interactions.
So much for gender equality! Many people delude themselves that they believe certain things, when examination proves that their dominant belief is something entirely opposite. The scenario I painted above shows this clearly.
Did I leave anything out? Like & share if this article was helpful and don’t forget to share your thoughts in the comments section.
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