10 people you’ll see at your local bar on Thanksgiving Eve
Which one of these hometown heroes will you run into?
Well it’s almost Thanksgiving Eve again and that means it’s time for one of the biggest drinking nights of the year. St. Patrick’s Day is like an Instagram filter version of a drinking holiday, while Thanksgiving Eve is straight up #NoFilter. There’s no frills of dressing up in green shamrocks, or a pageantry of green drinks. People just get down to brass tacks, nuts and bolts. Order beer. Drink beer. Get drunk.
It’s also the last day of the year before the stress of the holidays really set in. Thanksgiving Eve is like taking off a tight shoe at the end of the day. You’re so happy to have a few days off from work that the stress of trying to get a good seat at the dinner table hasn’t even hit you yet. You don’t want to get stuck sitting next to that boring guy at the table who only talks about his love of refurbishing wood furniture. I decided to team up with Toby Davis to compile a list of the people you’ll likely see out at the bars on Thanksgiving Eve.
1. Stroller Meat Mike — Classically handsome, Mike is that guy from high school who dated the prom queen, excelled in college, and somehow made partner at his law firm before he hit 30. Now he has a 6-bedroom, 3-bathroom house with two adorable kids and a smoke show wife. The soccer moms can’t help but stare when he pushes the little ones around the neighborhood in his zip-up fleece vest. Tonight at the bar, well, it’s like prom all over again. Mike is king.
2. Designated Driver Danielle — With Uber and Lyft now more popular than ever, we sometimes forget about the rest of the country who drinks twice as hard and drives twice as drunk with limited public transportation options. Every now and then however, a hero emerges. Sure Danielle’s miserable the whole time, but she gets the job done and keeps the crew safe so that they can spend time with their families hungover and on the verge of puking Thanksgiving Day. Low expectations with high responsibilities. The DD’s night is considered a win if no one pukes in their car. We salute you DDs.
3. Newly Single Sara — Sara seemed to have it all, but in 2019 she got divorced. And according to her Instagram, it’s the best thing to ever happen to her. Anytime you’re scrolling through your feed you can usually count on Sara either A) posting a self-help quote, take your pick of the words ‘fearless’, ‘bad-ass bitch’ and ‘getting after it’, or B) posting a picture before, after or during a purr barre workout. Danielle loves the attention she’s getting on a night like tonight, and she’s bound and determined to live laugh love her way into a new relationship.
4. Trump Talk Tom — This person finds a way to insert Trump into every conversation somehow. Where’s that glass made? China huh? You know Trump has really stuck to his guns in his trade talks with China you got to give him that. The worst part is that this person can either be a strong republican mentioning all his positive things he’s done or a strong democrat who absolutely can’t stand him. God help you if the two of them get into a conversation with one another after a few drinks.
5. The weird girl from CVS — EVERY CVS has that one worker who won’t make eye contact when they ring you up. Anytime you go to fill a prescription, she’s there. And anytime you go to pick up a birthday card, she’s there. You’re pretty sure she lives in the back of the store. Her hair is always frazzled and her enthusiasm is non-existent. But tonight, you realize she has friends and actually cleans up pretty well. You go up to her and say, ‘CVS?’ and then make a dumb joke about the receipt length she’s heard a million times over. But, you stick with the conversation, and pretty soon she tells you the most popular opioids and how she can hook you up. You’re kind of scared, and kind of intrigued, and maybe it’s all of the Hallmark Christmas movies running through your mind, but you might be in love with CVS Girl.
6. DraftKings Kevin — Remember the kid that would try (and fail) to pump up the crowd at your high school football games all those years ago? Turns out he’s a diehard fantasy sports player now. Kevin quit his stable insurance job to follow his passion, and now he lives and dies with every touchdown. You make conversation with him and it somehow leads to him giving you a promo code for his picks for this week (which are a lock, by the way). Every now and then Kevin will Interrupt the conversation to yell a few profanities at the TV because the QB on one of his “teams” just threw a pick six.
7. Instagram Ashley — Ashley is an Instagram model and spokesperson. Actually, she’s s a local Instagram model and spokesperson. She hasn’t quite made her way to the ranks of Rent The Runway or Olay, so right now she’s hocking social media posts for Bruno’s landscaping and her uncle’s bar — Hook, line and drinker. Ashley says this career is a better fit for her anyway (she got laid off in April for spending too much time on her phone at work), and that her communications degree actually helps her lifestyle blog ironically titled, “Ashley’s Advice.” In a way, you can actually learn what not to do with your life by reading her blog.
8. Brian ‘all in with Beto’ — We all had that one friend on Facebook who told us Beto was the new Obama, and that Trump better watch out. This faithful follower would usually share whatever O’Rourke news bite that came out with a post that said, “Finally, somebody gets it!” Then Beto dropped out of the race. This diehard liberal, who never actually donated money to the campaign, simply counters with, ‘He’s waiting for 2024, anyway.’
9. Just having one drink Darrel — Darrel makes the proclamation at the start of the night that he’s only having one beer. After all, he’s hosting the family Thanksgiving tomorrow and the in-laws are staying with them so he’s going to need to be on his game. Slowly Darrel changes his tune and goes from one drink to two drinks, three drinks, and eventually ends up being the drunkest person at the bar by the end of the night. We all knew he wasn’t having just one drink, and deep down inside, Darrel knew it as well.
10. Enlightened Eli — He’s found some sort of higher power since the last time you saw him, and having a conversation with him now is insufferable. When you knew him back in high school he used to fart in the middle of class to get a laugh, but now he’s trying to order wine at a dive bar and talking about the tannins with great reverence. He’ll say things like, “This is a nice summery wine that tastes like a picnic with your lover in July.” You’ll respond with, “I think it’s more of a drinking wine.”
If you’ve read this far, you’ll be happy to know this is the third installment or ‘The 10 people you’ll run into at the bar Thanksgiving Eve.’ Read the 2014 here, and the 2017 installment here.
And a special shout out to Billy Grimm for contributing, too!
Josh Womack is the head writer at Laugh Staff.
