7 types of family members at every 2020 Thanksgiving
Man, what a year, but we made it. Thanksgiving, finally, we can get togeth — never mind.
A lot of people are staying home this holiday, because of the spike in COVID. For those of us venturing out to see loved ones, good luck. Chances are your family has at least one, or all, of these characters.
‘AirPods’ Aaron — Aaron is your cousin working on a sleek new startup he can’t tell you about. He’s also notorious for keeping wireless pods in his ears at all times. Weddings, nature walks, it doesn’t matter. Aaron has to be connected, and Thanksgiving is no different. His Dad, your Uncle Marty, can barely contain his rage when Aaron puts an index finger to his ear and seamlessly begins talking to what seems like nobody. Your grandma is confused, but ignores the monologue coming from Aaron. She politely reminds the table there’s plenty more cranberry sauce.
‘Fantasy’ Fred — Fred is your uncle who loves fantasy football (he’s currently in three leagues). Uncle Fred knows his fantasy players better than he knows his children. He can’t remember his kids birthdays, but he remembers the forty-yard dash time of every wide receiver in the league. When you get some one-on-one time with Uncle Fred, he’ll proudly boast about the latest trade he made and how his team is ‘stacked’, all while crushing three pieces of pumpkin pie. He’d be in first in all of his leagues he tells you, if it wasn’t for Christian McCaffrey.
‘Biden’ Brian — Cousin Brian will walk confidently in the house and tell everyone individually, “I told you! What did I say back in March?” Brian’s grass-roots involvement with the election consisted of him quoting tweets from Trump and saying some form of “We have to get this monster out of here” or “On the golf course. Again.” Brian is on a group text with his frat brothers from Ithaca and all their conversations center around January 20, 2021. He also claims to have visited Scranton, PA.
‘One Up’ Andrea — Think you’ve got good stories for the dinner table? Well, Cousin Andrea has GREAT stories. Just when you’re feeling good after telling the family you got promoted at work, Andrea proceeds to tell the family she got promoted, too. And another thing, management says she’s on track to get ANOTHER promotion in six months (which is weird because she’s been at her current employer for six weeks). When your grandparents lovingly reminisce about their honeymoon in Italy 40 years ago, Andrea reminds the group that she, too, went to Italy. Need proof? Andrea is on it. She whips out her phone and begins to scroll, just as Aaron takes an incoming call.
‘Conspiracy’ Connie — Ever the pessimist, Aunt Connie believes everything is a conspiracy: Aliens, taxes, the new stop sign at the end of her street — everyone’s got a motive. Whatever is posted on Aunt Connie’s social media feed, she reads. And believes. Secret societies are out there watching, listening. Did man really set foot on the moon? Aunt Connie says we’ll never really know. When asked where she gets her information, she always cites the most recent movie she watched directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
‘No Mask’ Marty — Uncle Marty is all about three things: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And Ted Nugent. OK, four things. One thing he’s not about though is wearing a mask. He doesn’t even let one hang around his neck to act like he cares. Uncle Marty went to Sturgis back in August and came back fine, and that’s all the proof he needs this whole thing is a hoax. Uncle Marty tells everyone he got a flu shot, too, so he’s immune to the virus.
‘2020’ Tonya — Your sister Tonya chalks all her bad decisions up to 2020. She started the year with no credit card debt, but that quickly changed once Amazon started ‘stalking’ her with targeted ads. She had a solid job, too, as an administrative assistant at a small law firm, but quit after two months because she the culture was ‘toxic’, wanting her to stay until five p.m. most days. Tonya just knows 2021 will be better. She’s gonna lose weight and finally start blogging. Two things she couldn’t do because of, well, 2020.
Josh Womack is a writer.
