A best man speech for Baker Mayfield, from Cleveland
Baker is getting married this weekend. This is the speech Browns fans would give.
Good evening everyone. Hello there! For those of you I haven’t met, my name is the city of Cleveland and I am honored to be Baker’s best man. One of the other groomsmen asked me if woke up feeling ‘Dangerous.’ I said no, because I haven’t slept since we acquired OBJ.
I know many of you weren’t thrilled when I kept yelling ‘Super Bowl, Super Browns!’ at the ceremony earlier, but I can’t hide my excitement for Baker, Emily, and the upcoming 2019 season.
First off, let me say Emily, that diamond on your finger is stunning! You need Duke Johnson money for a rock like that — 3 years, $15.6 million for those keeping score. And that dress is breathtaking. I think the only thing more beautiful than your dress was your husband’s 51-yard pass to Jarvis against the Panthers in Week 14.
And Baker, kudos to you my man. In the huddle and in your relationship, you create a calm, cool, no-stress environment, much like the atmosphere at Bookman & Son Fine Jewelry.
Baker is the kind of quarterba — I mean, friend, that comes around once in 20 years. When he came into my life on draft night in 2018, I was both excited and nervous. I was excited because of what I saw him do at Oklahoma but was also nervous ’cause the last undersized quarterback I trusted from Texas hopped a plane and changed his identity so I couldn’t find him.
But Baker isn’t like all the others. He’s confident, he’s charismatic, and he’s as tough as they come. And I know even if he gets injured, he’ll be back on the field in no time with the excellent care he’ll receive from Dr. Dan Zanotti at The Center for Orthopedics.
But that’s neither here nor there. Right now, it’s all about the beauty of tonight, and the potential of tomorrow. And just look around, you’re loved by many!
Right over there we have our bromance matchmaker, Mr. John Dorsey. Even though the invite said formal attire John was kind enough to wear his usual grey sweatshirt and khaki shorts. John, glad you could make it, and your gum-chewing provided a nice soundtrack when Baker and Emily exchanged vows.
And sitting next to him is your old coach, Lincoln Riley. Lincoln was crucial to your development as a man and a quarterback, but he still couldn’t coach you out of posing shirtless with a tiger. We love ya, Link!
And finally, sitting at a table all alone in the corner, Mr. Colin Cowherd. Colin is here tonight because Mike Greenberg never RSVP’d. Colin, I know you’re upset because Baker didn’t invite every teammate he’s ever played with, but weddings cost money and he’s still on a rookie contract. Please feel free to take home some cake, ya Grinch.
OK, back to Baker and Emily. Emily, you unlocked Baker’s heart the same way he unlocked mine by unlocking fridges of free Bud Light in September. That’s a lot of unlocking. That evening, on Thursday night football, under the lights, was nothing short of magical. Let’s give a quick toast to Todd Haley’s play-calling and Tyrod Taylor’s sudden lack of mobility.
Baker, last year you broke the rookie touchdown record, and this year, with Emily as your wife, you will do much more. I can’t wait to see what you can do as a husband, and in the postseason. I know Chris Simms has you rated as his 17th best quarterback of 2019, but you’re number one in my heart.
To Baker and Emily, may tonight be one of many where you laugh, smile and celebrate one another. Baker, you’ve given us hope, free beer and winning football. And that’s all I, Cleveland, can ask for. Love you, cheers!
Josh Womack is the head writer for Laugh Staff, a Browns season ticket holder, and resides in Cleveland.
