If you’re married and watch a reality TV shows with your spouse, you’re making a huge mistake. If you’re not married and have never watched a reality TV show, you’re lying. It’s okay. I love Chip and Joanna Gaines, too.
There comes a point after the vows are said, the toasts are knocked out of the park, and the video of your drunk aunt grinding on the DJ is erased, that a whole lifetime of doing things with your spouse as a couple opens up before you. And not everything should be done together.
Here are a few examples why watching reality television together should never be on the list of things to do with your spouse.
The very premise of this show should scare the hell out of anyone married for less than 147 years. Experts (extreme side-eye) choose complete strangers to get married, and we all track their progress together on A&E. (Attention India: This isn’t how marriage should work.)
Why is this bad? Because the last thing you need to say to your spouse before bed is how annoying you find the newlywed on TV. You know she’ll think it sounds like you’re secretly picking apart what she said at dinner.
Damn. I can’t stand it when that girl acts like she’s angry, but then she’s never able to explain why she’s angry. *the room gets cold* It’s really no big deal when you do it, though. Not at all. I love you. Where are you going? Don’t take the remote.
Couples who never get along about budget, needs, or taste hire a real estate agent — usually a friend or relative of one of them who will invariably add turmoil to every disagreement — and go house hunting.
Why is this bad? Look around. You see all the things you wish were different about your place? You’re going to mention every single one of those things. And, if everything is just the way you like it, get ready to hear how much she hates the paneling in the basement six times a week.
That guy is so annoying. He’s constantly bitching about having an island in the kitchen. Why would you pass up that great house just because it doesn’t have your precious island. Oh, hey, can you grab me some chips while you’re up? They’re on the isla… shit.
ABC hit a home run when they paired celebrities and retired athletes with sexy professional ballroom dancers, put them on a brilliantly produced show wearing sexy outfits, and chronicle their sexy path to the Mirror Ball Trophy. Sexy.
Why is this bad? You have an erection. Go ahead and check. These things sneak up on you, but I know it’s there. I’ve watched DWTS too many times to listen to you deny it. Just think about baseball for a few minutes, you’ll be fine.
Sure, babe. I’ll get you a drink in a minute. What? No, I’m fine. I just can’t get up right now.
There are plenty more reality TV shows you shouldn’t be watching with your spouse, but it’s late and I’ve been drinking cheap liquor since we put our daughter to bed.
