Thanks for the Advice… Now I’m Taking My Own
Making sense of career advice, and knowing when to take my own.
A woman I deeply respect recently shared some advice with me. Nearing the end of her career in a male-dominated industry she said:
Don’t bother trying to crack into the old boys’ club — it’s not worth your energy. I’ve been in those rooms… don’t fool yourself, you’ll never do it.
It wasn’t the “girl power!” pep talk I wanted to hear. But it was honest. It was a rare moment of one woman saying to another, “You know what, this is really hard” instead of “Of course you can do it!” It reflected decades of fighting to be an equal among her male peers, and her disappointment at not making enough progress toward gender equality. Her words gave me a lot to think about as I reach the midpoint of my career.
What I choose to see is how far we’ve come. The number of women in leadership roles in male-dominated fields like tech is on the rise. More companies like HubSpot are providing benefits to make it easier for women to balance their careers while raising a family. Movements like #MeToo and techniques like amplification are examples of women helping other women be seen and heard. In many ways women are more empowered than ever before.
Yet in 2020 we still have work to do to achieve equality. Of the 41 Fortune 500 companies in the technology sector, only five have a female CEO. 14% percent of board seats of the top 100 tech companies are held by women. Less than 10% of Fortune 500 chief executives are women. And women account for less than 30% of U.S. senators and representatives. Beyond these raw numbers, many of us still feel an emotional tax working in male-dominated industries. Oh hell yes, sometimes I get tired too.
I’m fortunate to have a strong female figure in my mom to model what is possible for women. She taught me to believe I could do anything, even things women didn’t traditionally do like go to law school or serve in government. So I did; I was the first woman in my family to choose a career in business.
But when it came to the path to success, she thought the best way to overcome any systemic inequality in the workplace was to put your head down and do the work, trusting that “the system” would eventually reward your contribution. It was her quite Midwest way of saying “you’re no better than anyone else, don’t make waves, just focus and be patient.” A very reasonable approach given her own career circumstances at the time.
I ran her strategy for many years, but in doing so I shut out inequality like lower pay for women, workplace sexism, and hiring practices that disadvantage women and underrepresented populations. I developed a hard edge as a way to “fit into” scenarios where men were dominant; it was a survival technique that was effective(ish) but wasn’t authentic to who I was. This was my first experience with code switching. I was blissfully unconcerned with these things until the last decade of my career when it began to feel disingenuous to ignore them as a leader with many young women looking to me for progress and change.
We’ve all heard the advice to “just be yourself” as a way of tackling gender dynamics in the workplace. I heard it myself when I was struggling with a sense of belonging because I have a different communication style, demeanor, and spirit than my male peers. I craved a level of emotional intimacy that we weren’t able to create together naturally, and I lacked the words or strategy to communicate what I needed.
The thing was, I was being myself. It’s just that the environment wasn’t designed to acknowledge the full expression of who I am. This advice ignored the real issue. The coaching I actually needed was how to raise the awareness of my coworkers and work together to shift the culture of our team to be more inclusive.
What I’ve learned from this advice is not all wisdom is created equal. Sometimes it has to be individualized, and the best person to do that is the woman in the mirror. So this International Women’s Day I’m giving myself the advice I’ve needed in my career.
1. Be yourself by trusting your voice & saying what you need. When I hear “be yourself” it means believing your voice is relevant and deploying it as an instrument of change. So often we assume we don’t belong or we’re afraid to speak up. Know that you do belong, and your voice is not just welcome, it’s necessary to make progress. There are so many examples of women bringing a fresh perspective to tech’s hardest problems, and I have no doubt we’ve only scratched the surface of what we can do if we believe our voice matters. Irene Au and Dana Chisnell are a couple whom I deeply admire.
My voice has helped me come into my power by articulating what I need to be successful. You should feel empowered to tell your peers, your manager, and trusted friends in your network things like “I perform my best work when I have the space to articulate my thoughts without being interrupted; can you do that for me?” I find it incredibly powerful to vocalize what I need; you can’t expect people to anticipate it.
2. Do the work and raise others up while you do it. My mom is right — maintaining focus and doing the hard work is imperative — but so is stepping outside yourself to bring underrepresented, disadvantaged groups along for the ride. Remaining silent or turning the other way while we focus on our own success perpetuates inequality. But if we look at every shared success as a chance to develop a new narrative, we’ll make progress faster. Being an ally for the women in our lives is just as important as the work we do as individuals.
3. Find a path through community-building. The idea of “cracking” into a boys’ club, or any club for that matter, seems to reinforce exclusion of some group. Achieving equality isn’t about establishing a culture of us vs. them. A community-minded approach means seeing a room full of male allies and partnering with them to help us amplify our voices.
That’s why I love “Each for Equal,” the theme of this year’s International Women’s Day, because it incorporates equality and inclusivity. It’s a reminder that together we form a community, and each one of us brings our humanity to the table — individual experience that lifts the entire community up. Our male partners play a critical role in our community because they can be tremendous allies if we engage them.
I’m grateful for all the advice I’ve gotten in my career, even the bits that were confusing in the moment. Why do we give it? Because we’re not giving up, we’re moving forward. The truth is I don’t ever think about cracking into the boys’ club or breaking the glass ceiling. But I do wake up every morning thinking about progress and change, and the small, incremental things I can do to lift up the women I work with. As a leader, I put intention into ensuring our team has gender pay equality, we’re creating an inclusive environment for everyone, and women have the same chances to advance as men. I’ve never felt more empowered to be a woman in tech, and I’m fully here for all of us.
