Figuring out Fatherhood…
Author Bio: Sam Weatherald is a father, musician and multidisciplinary facilitator, with a diverse career spanning education, community building and participatory arts. Now based in Sheffield, he works as a music facilitator with prison arts charity Good Vibrations, teaches meditation and mental resilience practices, and is about to undertake training in psychotherapy.
The Father Figures project launches on October 9th 2021, with an online open evening on Wednesday 15th September. The application deadline is 27th September.
The first ‘father’s circle’ I held was, bizarrely enough, inside a giant theatrical womb at a festival, sitting on soft red velvet stretched over mattresses, with a thousand backlit red balloons dangling above us. It felt strangely appropriate. Though wombs belonged to none of us in that particular circle, all of us once belonged in one, and felt the safest we’ve ever felt there, and of course all of our adult lives as fathers had been defined by wombs. It felt like a good place to have a tender discussion.
I had participated in and held plenty of men’s groups before, and got a lot out of them; modern masculinity is a fascinating beast and fast evolving in response to the necessary challenges to its many failings and crimes. Yet while I had always felt like my experience of and feelings around fatherhood was one of the most important things to address in these circles, the vast majority of men I encountered in these circles were not fathers. It may have been something to do with the typical age range of the attendees (mostly twenty or thirty-something Londoners, living lives that were fairly incompatible with dependants), or the fact that for many dads, fatherhood is challenging and time consuming enough without carving out precious spare time to discuss it.
There were only a handful of us in the womb space that day, but it was a fascinating and diverse group nonetheless, ranging from a step-father whose relationship with his step-son which seemed as deep and nurturing as any biological father’s could be, to a dad whose children were thousands of miles away in Ghana, to the dedicated and exhausted father of a severely disabled child. As usual with men’s work, it started off in stilted, awkward fashion, before gradually starting to flow and giving way to an atmosphere of soulful connection and relief, as we recognised the commonality as well as the many differences in our experiences. As we realised that for all of us, in both joyous and sometimes painful ways, fatherhood had been one of the most profound and transformative aspects of our respective lives. As we agreed that it connected to every other element of our existence, and how we made sense of this increasingly mad world and its chaotic trajectory.
It felt like important work to be doing, in other words.
For the last year I’ve been seeking out people who want to have this conversation in a deeper, sustained way, as part of the Father Figures project I’m launching in October as a participant in social enterprise Enrol Yourself’s ‘Host Fellowship’ programme. As well as hosting a series of drop in online father’s circles, I’ve been buying every book I can find on the topic — which are surprisingly few, and predictably enough often written by women (see reading list below), and connecting with fatherhood experts and practitioners. I’ve confirmed that this is hugely significant but difficult and relatively mysterious terrain, yet there appears to be a growing appetite to explore it, and examine the impact the changing nature of fatherhood is having on wider culture.
To mark Father’s Day in June, for example, I hosted an online panel discussion (extremely poorly timed at the exact time of England’s first game of the European cup!) addressing the relationship between fatherhood and gender equality, asking whether the trend towards active, engaged fatherhood really constitutes a ‘cure for patriarchy’. Though mothers remain disproportionately the primary carers, fathers are more actively involved than ever in caring for children. How and why has this happened, what does it mean, and what can we do to further encourage this trajectory? Societies with more engaged fathers tend towards greater gender equality; on a basic material level for instance the gender pay gap in the UK is strongly associated with the unequal load of parenthood. Childcare, along with other essential labours of care remains gendered as ‘feminine’ and thus undervalued. Political and cultural support for greater paternal involvement could make a huge difference in accelerating feminist aims then, for the benefit of all.
Some of the other wider questions that are coming up in this project so far:
- Is there anything distinctive or different about the way fathers relate to and care for their children versus mothers, or are these ‘essentialist’ gendered ideas something we should try to move away from?
- How can new fathers be supported in the transition into fatherhood, without the physical rite of passage of pregnancy?
- How can fathers be best supported to maintain relationships with their children in the case of family breakdown, in already fractured communities?
- In what ways has the pandemic & lockdown influenced the practices of fatherhood?
- How are fathers relating to their roles in the context of the climate crisis and increasingly uncertain future?
- How do trans and gender fluid people relate to fatherhood, and how will the trajectory towards a more gender fluid world impact fathering practices and culture?
- How does the prison system impact fatherhood and how do imprisoned fathers maintain relationships with their children? This is a question I explored in the podcast below with my colleague Russ Hayes on behalf of the prison arts charity Good Vibrations I work for:
In the drop-in father’s circles we have also explored some more personal questions like the following:
- How has fatherhood changed — or is changing — you?
- What makes a good dad?
- What brings you the most joy as a father? What brings you the most pride?
- To what extent was your own father a role model for you as a father?
- How was your birth experience if you were present?
- What are your hopes and fears for your children’s future?
- What collective cultural changes would make fatherhood, and parenthood in general easier?
- What are the differences between raising children of different sexes / genders?
- How can we best navigate and nurture relationships with our coparents, whether they are our romantic partners or not?
For the Father Figures project I am on the look out for 11 others across the UK to go on a more sustained, 6 month learning journey on the theme of modern fatherhood. Together we will explore and seek answers to the questions and challenges of modern fatherhood, as well as celebrating its joys. Wielding the collective wisdom of the group, we will support each other to develop fruitful ideas and practices to seed in our respective lives and communities.
Based on Enrol Yourself’s ‘Learning Marathon’ model (I’ve decided to avoid referring to this as a ‘marathon’ to avoid putting off exhausted parents!), this is an opportunity to take a deep dive on this topic via an innovative and supportive group process, with both online and in-person meetings and gatherings along the way, as we all establish and explore our own unique ‘learning questions’ and work towards a final public showcase of our learnings and outcomes. It is open to father figures of any kind, those considering fatherhood, or those with a research, professional or creative interest in fatherhood. The aim is for it to be a diverse group in every way, and fees are on a sliding scale, with full and part bursaries also available.
If you’re interested in taking part, or you know someone who might be, please express an interest and request an info pack here. You can also drop me an email at samweatherald@gmail.com, book a call in here, or attend the open evening on Wednesday 15th September. Hope to hear from you!
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Fatherhood Reading list
Would you like to explore this topic further? Here are some of the best books I’ve found on fatherhood. I would love to hear any recommendations too — particularly novels about fatherhood.
DAD — Untold Stories of Fatherhood, Love, Mental Health and Masculinity — Curated by Elliot Rae
A great collection of diverse, moving and highly personal accounts from 19 dads covering everything from mental health, race, gender and divorce to gay fatherhood. Published by the excellent folks at Music Football Fatherhood
The Life of Dad — Anna Machin
A very readable evolutionary anthropologist’s account of fatherhood discussing the neuroscience, genetics, biology and psychology of fatherhood.
Making Sense of Fatherhood — Tina Miller (one of the contributors to the panel discussion on patriarchy mentioned above)
A more academic, sociological account, following a group of new dads as they make the transition into parenthood and how they make sense of it in relation to changing ideas around masculinity and gender roles.
Fathering and Poverty — Anna Tarrant
Recently released, I’ve just ordered it! Looks like a really important exploration of ‘men’s participation in low-income family life’.
Fatherhood Reclaimed: The Making of the Modern Father — Adrienne Burgess
A wide ranging look at the changing nature of fatherhood from a historical and cultural perspective from the founder of the Fatherhood Institute.
Philosophy for Everyone: The Dao of Daddy — Edited by Lon Nease and Michael Austin
Cheesy title but some really interesting conceptual perspectives in this collection of essays from philosophers about fatherhood. One chapter on culture around fatherhood in West Africa I found particularly useful, and wasthe first time I encountered the term ‘collective fatherhood’ (which was the original title of this project before I realised some people thought I was proposing some sort of patriarchal commune).
