Flirting with visibility
What can we learn about ourselves by leaning into things that feel out-of-character?
Beginning in September, 2023, I’ll be hosting Fear Factor — a learning journey that supports people to explore who they are, and who they might become, by doing something that feels a bit scary, and a bit out-of-character. I’m part of the Huddlecraft host fellowship that supports people to design and host ‘huddles’ around topics that are important and alive for them. Huddles are structures for peer-learning that support people to grow themselves, together. You can find out more about Fear Factor here.
I joined Huddlecraft’s Host Fellowship programme because I wanted to create something that felt like it came from my being — my experiences and my sense of purpose. When I thought about what I wanted to host a huddle about, I could imagine many questions and activities I’d like to engage in, but no way to hone in on just one. As I began to make sense of the various paths I could go down, I realised that they were all questions and activities that I was drawn to, but held myself back from engaging in/with because they didn’t feel enough like ‘me’.
There’s a concept of Arnold Mindell’s that I really like — the notion of a ‘flirt’. ‘Flirts’ are the things that capture your attention, for some reason. The fluttering of poplar leaves in the wind catching your eye as you gaze out of the window, the sound of an ice-cream truck a few streets over that you pick out of the cacophony of city life, images of hearts that you stumble upon repeatedly. Similarly to how night-time dreams are doorways into our subconscious minds, flirts are ways for us to to access our subconscious — to dream — while awake.
Moira Rose’s lipstick is flirting with me lately, as I re-watch Schitt’s Creek. The hue, the depth, the saturation. It is unapologetically red, unapologetically visible. And something about that visibility calls to me.
I imagine being that visible and remember the daydreaming I used to engage in as a teenager, imagining fronting an indie-folk band, being on stage, making music with friends. Sometimes we call these sorts of fantasies ‘pipe-dreams’. The likelihood of fronting an indie-folk band now is probably limited, but there’s important information in the fantasy, and the way it still flirts with me.
Here’s the kicker though: I often really dislike being visible. And I am really, really good at being invisible. I make space for others to step in to the limelight, to step up to the mic, telling myself ‘that’s just not me’. The rejection of a particular role, identity or way of being is another indicator that there is something rich to be explored within it.
Because there is something about being visible, and performing, that both intrigues and repulses me, it is likely that it’s a part of me that I’ve marginalised — a part of me that I don’t engage with, or let out, or step into. And it’s likely that I’ve done that out of perceived need for protection. Therefore finding ways to step into visibility, to try out performing, will be healing and necessary for my integration and wholeness. And that doesn’t mean that I have to get over my fear of singing in public, or learn to play a tambourine in time — the subconscious is rarely literal. But experimenting with the concept of visibility and performance will give me lots of information about something that feels lacking in my life at the moment, as well as some sense of how to step more into a way of being that will leave me feeling more whole.
That’s the point of Fear Factor. It’s a space to test a way of being that feels scary as hell. Because leaning into the parts of yourself that you’ve marginalised is always going to be scary. You shut them down for good reason. But if you know that you want something more, that you want to live into a bigger version of yourself, that you’re ready to try things that feel impossibly out-of-character, then I invite you to join us. We’re looking for people just like you — there is healing and support in taking these steps together, as a community. Find out more about Fear Factor here, and join an upcoming workshop here!
And, the next time you notice a flirt, pay attention to the specific quality that calls to you. Is it the tone, the texture, the shape, the feel? And when you’ve isolated the particular quality that you find so captivating, allow yourself to become that quality. Imagine what it would be like to be that tone, that texture, that shape, that feeling, and let your body explore it in whatever way feels natural. Don’t ascribe any meaning to what you’re feeling, or what your body wants to do. Just become the quality, and see what wisdom lies there.
