Confessions of a Socially Anxious Extroverted Leader
As we embrace neurodiversity week, it seemed fitting that I start with sharing my own experiences as a socially anxious extroverted leader. I know what you must be thinking — this sounds like a contradiction in itself. And you are not wrong, it is just that.
The Moment the Penny Dropped
Growing up I always loved to perform on stage, but I never really understood why there was a compelling urge to retreat into my sanctuary straight away and let these waves of mixed emotions wash over me. I was happy to receive the accolades, the crowd cheering as I finished my performance, but there was always these niggling thoughts at the back of my mind — what were they really thinking?
Fast forward a few years and I found myself in managerial roles. Back then, I received feedback of the type of leaders that would succeed. Needless to say I was told I wasn’t one of them. I spent years trying to perfect my imperfections. Portray an image that I thought everyone else wanted to see, who they thought was leadership material. Images of these stoic tycoons would fill my belief system with what really was an unattainable goal. I just needed to be me.
I was lucky enough to spend five fruitful years with an amazing executive coach. He challenged this belief system and slowly I began to believe what he was saying — corporations needed diversity.
The Inner Saboteur
I’ve coached, led, and trained hundreds of people. I’ve spoken at conferences and challenged ExCo members on adopting new ways of thinking. My work, and my life for that matter, has been very fulfilling. But as proud as I am in the moment, there is always a voice in the back of my head questioning what people really thought.
Did I say the right thing? Was I succinct enough? Did i come across as knowledgeable?
I’d swing from floods of positivity to undesirable thoughts of embarrassment and humiliation. If only I said this, or if only I just kept quiet. These thoughts would reverberate in my head long after any presentation or meeting.
Craving for Self-authorship
Keegan once wrote that self-authorship is a phase of human development commonly found in the later years of life. We gradually slide over to the point where external validation is no longer valued. In a time where social media has created an unhealthy relationship with “likes”, I fear that this will only prolong this need.
For a long time self authorship was up there on my list of personal development goals. But my inner coach would tell me “the journey is more important than the destination”.
So to start us on our exploration of human agility, here are some practices I have found to be useful.
- Putting a time limit on introspection
Self-reflecting is a very powerful technique. It helps leaders to continuously grow, challenge themselves and embrace new opportunities. But there is a limit to how often, and how long this should be done. Successful leaders have found the balance between questioning themselves enough to challenge, whilst maintaining self-belief.
2. Ask yourself four questions
Years ago, my coach once told me of Byron Katie’s four questions. To this day, I use these questions when I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed.
1. Is it true?
2. Is is absolutely true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Challenging ourselves to focus on the facts helps to separate what is reality versus our inner saboteur. It also fantastic in turning these anxious thoughts into a more positive mindset.
3. Use a journal or blog
As I sit here in the early hours of the morning, keen to start a butterfly effect, I realise that I’m doing this as much for me as I am for anyone who might see themselves in this article. Gathering thoughts, putting structure around them, helps to organise the internal chaos that can emerge and compartmentalise the good from the bad.
4. Own it
It’s taken me a long time to stop saying that I suffer from this, to turning it into my own little super power. Leaders come from all walks of life, and transformative leadership requires the courage to be vulnerable as we navigate the unknown.
Alas, my last deed of the day is to hit the publish button. Feel free to comment, or don’t. Either way I’ll most likely be waiting. Ha!
Yours truly,
The Socially Anxious Extroverted Leader
