Five Ways to Improve Your People Skills
Strategies for Effective Workplace Communication
Have you ever seen a romantic comedy? You know how, at some point, a conflict arises due to a misunderstanding between the two lovebirds? One which could have been easily avoided if either of them had just, you know, talked to the other?
Lovebird 1: “Oh hey, I noticed a text notification on your phone from an ‘Alex’ that said ‘See you tonight.’ I’m concerned that this Alex is actually your True Love.”
Lovebird 2: “I can totally see how you might think that given that this is a romcom, but no, Alex is my cousin visiting from out of town.”
Lovebird 1: “Word. Thanks for clearing that up!”
Of course, then there would be no plot and no grand gesture of reconciliation at the end of the film to show that our lovebirds are totes meant to be, which would make for a super boring movie. But the point is: 99 percent of the time (a figure I just made up), interpersonal problems can solved or prevented altogether with communication. This is true of the workplace just as it’s true of friendships, Tinder dates, and, yes, burgeoning romances.
If your day-to-day involves hours of uninterrupted solitude or living with wolves to learn their ways, then this guide probably isn’t for you. But for the rest of us, whose jobs require frequent interactions with others — especially as part of a team — good communication skills are invaluable to have in your repertoire. Here are five things you can do to hone your technique.
1. Empathize
Think back to your first day of kindergarten. No, not the part where you ate two crayons and then threw up during nap time — the part where you learned to treat others the way you’d like to be treated. Imagining how someone else feels, and how your words and actions might affect them, is critical to communicating effectively.
Everyone has their own communication preferences. Some folks like to cut right to the chase, while others prefer to exchange pleasantries before getting down to brass tacks; some feel comfortable getting friendly and others like to keep their distance. People usually respond best when you meet them where they’re at—in other words, when you honor their preferences.
Put on your David Attenborough hat and observe someone in their natural habitat. How do they approach you? Do they make a lot of small talk? Joke around? Ask direct questions? These behaviors are clues that point toward the best way to relate to them. And if you’re still not sure, ask.
When meeting someone for the first time (stranger danger!), the best course of action is to mind your manners. Being nice to people is awesome in general, but it’s especially helpful when making a first impression.
2. Consider the Context
I’m an Experience Coordinator, which is a fancy way of saying “Office Administrator, Personal Assistant, IKEA Assembly Instructions Translator, and Then Some.” My job involves talking to lots of different people — online and off — in a variety of contexts, each with its own set of conventions.
Much has been written about email etiquette, so I won’t go into too much detail here. The most important thing to remember is that email is usually more formal than other types of digital communication, which means two things: 1) definitely proofread, and 2) try to avoid swear words, slang, jokes, and emojis (these are a few of my fav-o-rite things) unless you know your audience well.
Instant messaging apps are much more forgiving. At Human Design we use Slack, both as a means of quickly exchanging information about work and as a virtual office water cooler. We’re big fans of gifs, emojis, and abbreves. I use Slack more or less the same way I do text messaging: conversationally, like I’m talking to someone IRL.
In person, the environment and social dynamics create the context, rather than the medium. You’d communicate differently during a performance review than you would while grabbing everyone’s orders on Taco Tuesday. Additionally, if you find yourself in an unfamiliar context, it helps to take cues from other people’s behavior (unless those people are jerks — then you’re probably better off just wingin’ it).
3. Be Assertive, Direct, and Concise
Broadly speaking, people fall into one of four styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. Imagine your boss asks you to do something that you have absolutely no idea how to do. Do you:
a) pretend everything’s cool but inwardly begin having a meltdown
b) tell her there’s no way in hell you’re doing that
c) say you’ll take care of it and then sloppily complete the task; or
d) explain that this will be your first time doing it, so you’d like to have some extra time to figure it out and get it done right?
If you answered d), then congratulations! You picked the assertive option, which is hands-down the best one. Assertive communicators advocate for themselves and their needs without infringing on the rights of others.
One of the hallmarks of assertive communication is directness. This means expressing yourself plainly, without pretense or hedging. In the above example, you might say to your boss, “I am happy to do the thing. However, I have never done the thing before and I’d like to take some time to familiarize myself with it before I get started. Can I get it to you Wednesday instead of Tuesday?” You articulate the problem (your lack of experience) and ask for what you need to solve it (more time).
Being direct often involves being concise. Say what you mean in as few words as possible: “I was just wondering when you think we’ll be able to bring our cats to work like we talked about a few weeks ago” becomes “When is Bring Your Cat to Work Day?”
The caveat to this is that some folks may interpret directness as rudeness, and those individuals may need a little more conversational fluff to feel comfortable and respected. As I said in the beginning, people’s preferences play a huge role in how best to approach them.
4. Tune In to Body Language
While it’s not strictly true that more than 90 percent of communication is nonverbal (thanks for nothing, science), there is still a lot of information to be found in body language. Facial expression, gaze, touch, gesture, and posture all can provide insight into how someone is feeling at any given moment.
Have you ever been super stressed out about something totally unrelated to work while sitting in a meeting? How did it affect your physical presence? Maybe you found yourself crossing your arms or legs, jiggling your foot, chewing the inside of your lip — any one of these could be a sign that someone is anxious, but occurring all together they’re a pretty good indication that you’re feeling awfully tense.
Usually, picking up on nonverbal communication is intuitive, which is to say, trust your instincts. If you’re trying to practice directness with someone and they’re looking at you like you just grew an extra head, maybe they’re uncomfortable and you should clarify your intentions and revise your tactics for next time. Or maybe you did grow an extra head. You should probably get that checked out.
Take a look at the tips below to brush up on some body language basics. If you’re interested in exploring the subject further, this WikiHow takes a more in-depth approach.
5. Practice Active Listening
Being a good listener takes practice, just like playing the violin or doing a sick kickflip. Really listening to someone goes beyond simply not talking while they’re talking; to be a truly active listener, you must focus on what the other person is saying, give feedback, and ask questions.
Remember waaay back in 2009 — ancient history in meme years — when Kanye West ran on stage and took the mic from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the VMAs? Yeah. You remember. “Imma let you finish, but…” will go down in the annals of the Internet as one of the best (worst) interruptions of all time.
Don’t be like Kanye. Instead, power down your ego for a few. Take in the words that the other person is saying and how they’re saying them. Use your own body language and affirmative vocal sounds — mmhm, okay, yeah — to show that you’re paying attention. When they’re done talking, try paraphrasing what they just said back to them: “Let me make sure I understand you,” or “What I’m hearing is,” are good places to start. And if you don’t quite get what they’re saying, ask them: “I’m not sure what you mean by that. Can you clarify?”
Bonus tip: Asking questions to make sure someone’s following you while you’re talking is also a great way to avoid miscommunications. Check in: “Does that make sense?” or “Do you know what I mean?”
tl;dr
Hopefully you’re still with me, but in case you zoned out there for a minute, here’s a handy summary of everything I just said:
- Pay attention to how other people like to communicate.
- Recognize how the tone and style of a conversation may change depending on the context.
- Assert yourself as directly, clearly, and considerately as possible.
- Observe other people’s body language and understand how to tailor your own.
- Listen carefully to others, give feedback, and ask questions.
As you may have begun to suspect by this point, none of these strategies is as effective as all of them together in wondrous harmony. Likewise, none of them will serve you well if you aren’t being authentically yourself — so relax! Your skills will improve with time and effort. Now that you have these tools at your disposal, it’s up to you to figure out how best to use them. So will you use your newfound powers for good… or for evil? (Good. Please use them for good.)
