Writing Cuz I have to…

I have come to a dangerous conclusion: I have to write every day to feel good. I say dangerous because it feeds the notion that I am not enough unless I write. But why? Why this pull to share my thoughts in the form of the written word? Am I needy for attention? Am I lonely? Is it arrogance in that my thoughts are so worth knowing that I will record them for your personal growth? Do I really want to help others and have come to understand that this — writing — is the best way to do that? Or is it something I have not yet figured out, yet which tugs at me nonetheless? And maybe if I write enough I will finally get it? Like the surfer searching for the perfect wave, I search for the perfect sentence. One that captures, ever so truthfully, the complete nature of who I am at that precise moment.

I have been writing stories, poems, essays and mindless narratives about life for the last 35 plus years. When I write I feel productive, and worth my space. Ever feel that way when you’re doing something that you believe — that you know — you came here for? For me, it is this. Oh, and being a father to my son. But that’s another wave. So, in real speak: I feel “not phony” when writing. Even when I do it poorly, which happens all the time, I am genuine.

Here are a few things I have learned to do when writing that keeps me “real” with my words. Perhaps you can respond back and tell me how you do it and we can get the whole synergy thing going! Okay, here they are:

• I say to myself or out loud at times, “what the fuck, who cares how it sounds.”
• I think about what most people want to hear and then I say something quite different so that one person, or a small group of people, who need to hear it THAT way, hear it.
• I stop trying to think of just the right way to write something and instead write down something totally out of context of my intended message. Such as, “I am good,” or “This is shit,” or “Goodnight God,” or “I am grateful.” Anything to distract myself from my desperate need for clarity.
• Let the waves of hesitation, doubt, insecurity and lack of talent crash on your words so that they suffocate them. Sometimes what we write is complete shit, and it needs to be thrown out. In coming up for air, we are ready for the next set. And since the mind never, ever, turns off, we can relax knowing that, like the ocean, others waves are lining up. So patience fellow word surfer!
• I remind myself that if I tell the truth it will probably be half way decent.
• And I’m aware when I am rushing things. I am aware when I am tired and I just want to get something out there for people to read, for it is then that I need to either push through, realizing that sleep is not the boss of my writing, or I shut things down and I pick back up tomorrow or after my nap, or whenever.

So maybe it’s this: Maybe I write because I need to leave something behind when I am gone — thematic with the whole fatherhood thing probably. But proof that I was here. A plea: Don’t forget me! Maybe that’s it. And if I am to impact anything, any relevant space — Medium in this case — then I will do it with honesty.

Jackon Browne’s “For a Dancer” captures my attempt here with his poignant lyrics, “Go on and throw some seeds of your own, and somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go, will lie a reason you were alive that you’ll never know.”

I Write Cuz I have to…

I Write because I know my time is not forever here. When I write the perfect sentence it will be time to go…but not until.