Everything Is Data: How Your Client’s Chair Choice and Childhood Narrative Reveals More Than You Think
Clients have two stories: the one they share and what their behaviours reveal. These cues matter from the chair they pick to the pauses in their speech. Understanding attachment styles helps us decode silent signals. This guides us in exploring clients’ fears and ambitions.
So you’re grounded and centred. You’re feeling light, calm, and alert, ready to greet the client. You open the door or begin the online meeting. Everything is data. So, for example, think of a client in the waiting room. If you’re a psychologist, it’s how they’re sitting in the waiting room. It’s their headphones and their ears. It’s their body language and posture. It’s the tentative look on their face, whether they’re pleased to see you or even aware that you’re there. It’s how they get up when you call them into your meeting room.
How does your client show up? It’s about whether they need help. You ask this question as they enter the room or start a conversation. Also, it depends on where they sit in the room. Do they sit near the door because they’re anxious or want a quick exit? Or do they need guidance on where to sit if there are many chairs? When you assess them, pay attention to how they handle the assessment. Notice how long they take on each question. Look for signs of scepticism or doubt. Check if they understand each question. Also, consider how they score the assessment. It’s not about comparing scores with others. Some clients may achieve different scores when using a six-point scale. Their ones and twos might seem low, but their two could be their way of flagging a high score (their equivalent of a ‘five’ or ‘six’). I found this out in practice and was glad I asked my client rather than assuming a low score.
It is the pauses between sentences or the speed at which they speak. It’s when they sit back or lean forward. The small changes in their posture matter. You can see them squirm or feel uneasy about specific topics. It’s the tiny changes in their mood. The small expressions on their faces. The almost imperceptible facial twitches when a particular topic arises. The slight blotch on their neck begins to show when they experience true upset. The breath sits high in their chest, and the tension they exhibit in their shoulders. It is the sense of expansiveness as they sit backwards and even put their arms behind their head. The emphasis on certain words or using turns or phrases provides rich data about the client. It’s about overthinking instead of focusing on your emotions.
Any obstacles to moving forward? When you suggest an intervention, doubt or ambivalence might arise. Fear remains, even when you try to make an intervention easier. You look for safer paths for the client, yet ambivalence or fear lingers. Seeing the client at their best means, they’re resourceful and clear-eyed. They may be in a good place in life. But it also means witnessing them at their worst. This can be a dark state. Sometimes, they feel suicidal or overwhelmed. They may feel completely trapped by despair, addictions, or old patterns coming back. It is working through those two seasons with equanimity and patience.
Everything is data. We have to be mindful enough to see it. And then there’s the client’s history. I love easy-to-understand and evidence-based psychological models like attachment styles. Their beauty lies in their simplicity.
When I think of attachment styles, I picture a small child sitting with their parent for each style. Think of attachment styles as childhood playbooks — rules we learn early about how to get love. These “rules” shape how we act in relationships as adults.
Secure. Children with secure attachments had parents who allowed them to explore. They might sometimes fall and get hurt, but they knew they could return to their parents. This made them feel seen, soothed, and safe. Adults learn to self-soothe, which helps them bounce back from life’s difficulties. Your caregivers were steady. If you fell, they hugged you. If you explored, they cheered. As an adult, you trust easily, handle stress well, and don’t panic if your partner needs space.
Anxious. Caregivers were unpredictable — warm one minute, distant the next. You never knew if they’d show up. As an adult? This isn’t always the case, but it may be due to anxious attachment if they are clingy in relationships. What else? They fear abandonment or overthink text message exchanges or conversations. They might triple-check: “Do they love me?”
Avoidant. Caregivers dismissed their child’s emotions. Crying? “Toughen up.” Need comfort? “Handle it yourself.” As adults, people with this attachment style may hate relying on others. They might be hyper-independent, stoic types. Relationships feel suffocating. Are they likely to ghost their intimate partners when things get too close?
Disorganised. They may have a push then pull, hot then cold energy in their close relationships. “Come closer… wait, go away!” Caregivers were scary and comforting. Love felt dangerous. Confusing, right? Hot-and-cold. Crave love but push it away. Relationships feel like rollercoasters. They might battle inner chaos and sabotage solid relationships in their life.
Children need to feel safe, seen, and soothed by caretakers. As adults, they then use healthy ways to self-soothe and regulate emotions. If not, not-so-healthy ways of self-soothing enter the scene. Addictions, defence mechanisms, drama, and distractions replace healthier ways of coping.
Yet this broad attachment isn’t a life sentence or gospel. It does help to explain why someone might seek a therapeutic clinic or coaching. This applies even to high-achieving business professionals in executive coaching. All the data I’ve mentioned is valid, including attachment styles.
Yes, your high-achieving professional may have ticked all the boxes in their career. However, an insecure attachment style might influence some of their behaviour. You could work with an excellent leader who wants to reach even greater heights. Their career success partly comes from having a secure attachment style. This lets them soothe themselves, manage others, and handle tricky situations well. They also take risks as adults — like when they were children. They would push the limits of what their parents found acceptable. Their parents supported them from a distance, allowing them to take those risks. Like a child, they know how to bounce back if they fall. They can adapt and cope with shock, ambiguity and sustained distress.
Executive coaching clients have different attachment styles, which can lead to various career paths and challenges. The data you gather from the first greeting to the final session is valuable. It is quite like what you collect with your therapeutic clients. Yes, the context and presentation can vary. Still, small changes in body language and mood are helpful to observe. How clients react to their coach is meaningful data. You can use this to reflect on the client and shape where your coaching goes.
Executive coaches should start by assessing their and clients’ attachment styles. This helps identify patterns that impact leadership behaviours. This insight helps improve emotional intelligence and create safe, adaptable team dynamics. Coaches can help clients by seeing how attachment styles affect their decisions and conflicts. This way, they can turn self-reliance into teamwork. They can also change validation-seeking into confident independence.
Sure, you can ground and centre yourself for your client. You can be at your best in a collaborative partnership with your client. Yet why does your client respond to treatment or share their story in the way they do? What are your norms around interpersonal relations? Attachment styles are a helpful way of framing how you show up to your therapy or coaching space.
