The Art of Holding Space: Unlocking Healing Through Silence and Curiosity
What leads to personal change in the clients of coaches and psychologists? A safe, judgment-free space where clients can unravel their complexities.
A safe, secure space. What magic ingredient helps our clients heal or gain great insights on the best way forward? Our role is to give clients space to find insights. Holding space requires restraint and much practice. When I started working with clients, I often rushed in and aimed to solve problems. I didn’t feel comfortable with holding space. It was a “me” problem. Yet, over time, I learned to slow down. Thanks to Joel Curtis, who urged me to do so. Joel is the boss of the clinic I work at and was one of my psychology internship supervisors. He is a big guy with a blokey presence and a strong ‘can do’ attitude. He would laugh at my quick thinking and solution focus. He’s a sports psychologist by background. Coaching athletes and high-performing people to higher performance levels is his thing. So, I found it surprising that quick thinking and solution focus were not priorities. Then, he’d acknowledge my work in big corporations. Fast yet structured thinking is often prized in these environments. Yet, with clients, it isn’t always the case, and it is rarely so. A slower pace allows deeper insights to unfold. It takes patience and time. We can guide our clients to where they may need to go by asking the right questions at the correct times.
We are not the experts in our clients’ lives or their predicaments. We offer the space for clients to solve their problems. We are not mentors, nor do we have the right to tell our clients how to live. We may coach, guide, and ask probing questions, some of which may be tough.
Holding space for clients — no judgment. Offering clients a safe and secure space is of utmost importance. In our first meeting, I will discuss the limits to confidentiality. I’ll also mention that this is a safe, secure space despite those limits. The limits exist for a very good reason. Yet our conversations are between us. This applies even to coaching clients where their employer is paying for coaching. My client may report the issue to the person paying the bill. They still have a safe space to talk. We often agree on what to share with their manager, the party paying for the coaching. One key feature of holding space for clients is no judgment. I may work with a client with very different views. They may have done terrible things. I need to suspend judgment, and I often do. It’s hard to be furious when you are curious. My curiosity helps me to seek to understand the client’s perspective. At the same time, I am sceptical of what they say. Holding space means, ideally, listening most of the time. I should not speak or ask questions. This, in turn, gives the client a space to reflect.
Sometimes, this means asking questions that are tough to ask. The questions lead the client’s attention to uncomfortable insights or realisations. But it may be too soon for them to hear it. They may not be ready. Emotions like ambivalence or fear may overshadow their readiness. They may not have recognised the vital insight of “giving them permission to act.” That’s okay. We must know when our clients are ready to change. Both coaching and psychology seek to change people. So, the key is a strong, trusting relationship. Trust comes from being likeable, respectful, and curious. It also comes from the client’s belief that you are a good match for them.
Also, an effective coach or psychologist acts as a mirror. Our work as the client’s mirror lets them face uncomfortable truths. It also guides them. They often avoid these problems, like a polished mirror. Your space and thoughtful questions can help clients see a broader view.
A space to reflect and to blurt out whatever. It’s better than the client working without a coach or psychologist. Yes, they may sift through their cluttered thoughts and experiences. Yet they may not see what you can. Not because you are superior. But, you hold a wider mirror than the tiny one they use to see themselves.
Clients can use this more remarkable perspective. When clients feel safe with you, they will open up. Non-judgement, after all, right? I watch for any subtle changes in their body language and word emphasis. At times, these seemingly random comments carry significant importance.
They must organise complex ideas, thoughts, and feelings, including mixed feelings about change. With this in mind, you can help clients reenact or explore the problem in depth and breadth. From there, you can help clients reframe their issues and responses. Let them draw their conclusions. With more space and time, you can help clients understand that they may regress. Progress is not always linear, and that’s okay. You can also help them see how they operate in the system that maintains their problem. This applies to both coaching and psychology.
Gentle curiosity. Another thing I’ve found very important and quite healing is gentle curiosity. It’s about not asking questions like bullets in a machine gun, firing away nonstop. Instead, it is giving clients a ragged, uneven space. It should not ask questions in a rushed or delayed manner. It should wait for the conversation to trail off, or at least not go down a rabbit hole. That gentle curiosity is quite powerful. It applies to psychology and coaching.
You will also have interventions that may or may not suit the client. Yet, these interventions help. They get the client to slow down. They make them stare at their problem and organise it into themes and manageable chunks. They also probe them into action, reenacting problematic scenarios and reframing challenges. Most interventions will help the client see their problem’s bigger picture. This includes its triggers, causes, and maladaptive behaviours that worsen it. It will also explore where the client gets stuck and ways to break that cycle. Those different ways can enable the client to perceive the world in a new light. Sometimes, it helps that someone cares enough to guide them through a tough time. Often, it’s the client’s strength. Talking through their problems heals and transforms their lives, careers, and views. It does so once they gain clarity.
Channel your inner Indiana Jones. Want to provide a space for clients to heal or feel empowered? Slow down and ask the right questions.
On my first day as a provisional psychologist, I sat in my first session with Joel, feeling anxious. He got to know me as my boss. We had interviewed online, but this was the first time I’d met him in person. I would see my first client the hour after we met, and Joel gave me some great advice. He said to be like an archaeologist on a dig. You can dig up information gradually with the client’s consent and trust. It’s like a journalist seeking the truth behind a story. That curiosity helps prevent mistakes. I tell my clients I am a professional guesser.
Curiosity: a buffer for mistakes and energy for my clients. My questions or observations are, in effect, a guess. I tell them I’m holding up a jumper or other clothing. I want to see if it fits the client. And this light way of showing that reveals some humility in me, and I hope, is also endearing to the client. Maybe it’s not, and it’s daggy. One day, someone will tell me. Until then, I keep holding up the jumper for my client to see if it fits, asking them if it does. And, sometimes, that does happen. I’m also incorrect at times. That’s okay. I can retreat without losing face with my client. I will approach this with gentle curiosity. I will avoid being prescriptive or too confident. Not only is curiosity a buffer to mistakes, but it is also a gentle energy that I can give my clients. My curiosity is genuine. It shows I’m attuned. I do this by using the client’s words and phrases. I join the dots between various themes they raise. My gentle curiosity gives clients a safe space. It does so, even when it touches on painful themes. They may not be ready for that. My gentleness is a buffer against losing them.
No ‘tabula rasa’ or ‘game face’. In my fourth year of psychology training, I learned I don’t need to be a blank slate when working with clients. We were in a lecture theatre, and the lecturer gave us a scenario. Most of us kept our game faces on. I didn’t, so I made a face and a respectful joke to lighten the mood. At that point in my training, I failed because I should have kept a professional façade. In working with clients, I have found that a more authentic approach works for most of them. For high-end executive coaching, the client may need to be “on.” It depends on their personality and situation. Many of my clinical clients are salt-of-the-earth people. They want to see genuine responses at the correct times and places. That authentic approach builds a stronger connection than a constant blank slate.
So let holding space for our clients work its magic. This will create a fertile ground for profound insights to bloom. Remember, we’re not the experts in our clients’ lives. We’re archaeologists digging for insights with patience and respect. Mixing presence with restraint helps our clients help themselves. We get the most from our coaching or therapeutic collaborations. We become a wider mirror, reflecting a broader view. It allows clients to change their worldviews. What a great job we have!
