The Humble Mirror: Unlocking Transformation Through Reflection
How might playing the role of a mirror can be a catalyst for client insight and growth?
I love the words safe, soothed and seen. They belong to the province of a safe space for clients to explore their problems. Playing the humble role of a mirror to our clients allows this. Let’s see how.
The mirror. I aim to be a mirror if anyone asks about my style as a psychologist or executive coach. In my opening statement to clients, I cover the limits to confidentiality. I then let them know I will serve them as a mirror. The mirror will softly reflect the client’s situation and feelings. It will also show what might keep them stuck and their strengths. It will seek what is going right and what has worked for them. This strengths-based approach complements the focus on the problem. It addresses the client’s ambivalence about change. Asking, “What is wrong with you?” shows only part of what the mirror can reflect. This allows my client to partner with me.
The mirror reflects as a partner. The client can then look into that mirror and see what is being reflected. Because if they used their mirror, that mirror might not have a wide aperture. This offers a fresh, broader view from a trained outsider. The client might lack this if they worked alone. The mirror doesn’t judge. It reflects — not with blunt “truth” but with caution and respect. As a mirror, I want to check my impressions with the client. I must do this respectfully and gently. The client may refute my impressions. They might be incorrect, or the client may not be ready to accept them. I must respect their boundaries if it’s the latter. I’m open to feedback if it’s the former.
Unlike a real mirror, my mirror cannot shatter. Clients might get angry at the mirror, but it’s only a reflection of them. I don’t have a complete understanding of the client’s situation. But I am curious and keen to do so. Cultural differences need careful handling. They may hold keys to a client’s problem or strengths. Also, they may stir many feelings in the client. Only then can the mirror reflect an accurate view of these cultural facets. Some clients may be far smarter than I am or far more self-insightful.
The good, the challenging. I can be more flexible if I avoid being an expert in their problem. I won’t try to seem brighter. I will serve as a humble mirror. This helps with strong egos or people who may look down on me. Either is fine with me because I am just a humble mirror. The humble mirror can also rely on helpful coach or psychologist training.
As a coach or psychologist, you can reflect on process conversations. The mirror should reflect the client, their issues, and your relationship. Don’t be shy. Chat about how the client makes you feel in your body and the relationship. Remember, the relationship between you and your client is a third party in your room. It is OK to discuss that relationship without taking it personally. It is a separate entity for both of you. This can also help if clients feel more brilliant or more self-insightful than you. The mirror allows them to use their insights and intellect in a conversation.
Five buckets to organise my client’s “system”. For example, I can use a case formulation that speaks to the five P’s. The 5 Ps include:
- The presenting problem. That’s what’s bringing the client to see you as a coach or psychologist.
- Predisposing factors — what longer-term circumstances or issues triggered the presenting problem? These may be broader factors, like the client’s family of origin or career-long challenges.
- Precipitating factors — what triggered the presenting problem? Perhaps a build-up of predisposing factors. For instance, an unexpected circumstance like a job redundancy or other significant life change.
- Perpetuating factors — what causes, sustains, and increases your risk of the problem.
- Protective factors — what are the client’s strengths and resources? What have they tried in the past that worked?
When I, as the mirror, reflect upon the last P, the protective factors or strengths. It is fascinating to watch the client’s body language shift. You can feel their renewed resourcefulness and autonomy when they sit in the chair. So, a fair scattering of this beautiful focus on strengths can make a huge difference. That said, some clients have abuse histories or a strong mistrust. Reflections on their strengths, or even a compliment, may not sit well with them. It’s important to note this.
You can add to your formulation as part of your note-taking. I might have five boxes on a page, each on the five P’s, or scribble on a notepad — online or physical. Either way, I can start organizing all this intertwined content into themes or boxes. Anything more straightforward and organised makes it easier for you to reflect with your client. Your client is likely to digest a concise, organised list. So take the snarled complexity in their heads and hearts and play it in simple terms on a single page.
Reflecting several layers — not one. The mirror reflects not just the ideas discussed. It also shows the emotional side. It reveals unmet needs and feelings. It shows how certain words are emphasised. The observer notes the client’s body language and expressions on a topic. It even catches changes, like neck blotches, that suggest discomfort or happiness. It also picks up the client’s breath. If they start breathing high in their chest, it may suggest anxiety. Conversely, they might be breathing into their belly. Their breathing might slow. You can reflect that in any narrative you are discussing. So, the mirror reflects on different layers: the body, the breath, the emotions and the mind. These layers are deliciously intertangled. They give you endless ways to reflect on the client and your impressions at any time.
No ego or “sense of you” infects the client’s narrative. As a humble mirror, you are more complex to challenge as a coach or psychologist. You are just reflecting. Mirrors don’t interject their values, and they don’t judge, for better or worse. Yes, sometimes the client might look in the mirror. It might remind them of a mirror suffering under too-bright lights in a nightclub at 2 a.m. Their lights would, in a distinctly unwelcome way, reveal nooks and crannies in tired faces. It’s not a flattering look. It’s like most driver’s licence photos. It’s less than impressive — yet it’s real. This genuine essence of the client sparks intricate and helpful collaborations. The partnership is to reflect both the good and the bad. But labelling what is good and what is bad is too simple. But by discussing the reflection of body, mind, emotions and relationships. You are definitely in good stead. To help the client see things from a wider aperture.
Interventions and conceptual models for coaching and treatment are essential. Yet an excellent collaborative relationship with your client precedes everything. You can have the best treatment or approach possible. Yet what if your client does not trust you and feels safe or heard? Be the mirror. Capture your client’s journey, see strengths, and reflect on many facets of the client.
