The Mentors Who Transformed My Psychology Toolkit: From Socratic Questions to Brain Science and the Art of Slowing Down

Psychologists and coaches learn excellent tools, concepts, and Socratic questioning methods. Our mentors are our best sources. I will share some strategies that helped me assist clients with problems like existential dread and boardroom burnout.

Mentors provide valuable ideas that enhance therapy and coaching. I learned about Socratic reasoning from many psychology teachers, notably Dr. Gavin Clark. Gavin is a Scottish clinical psychologist who worked at the University of New England when I was in the fifth year of my psychology master’s program.

One phrase he often used was, “What do you make of that?”

I apply Socratic reasoning every day in my clinical and coaching work. It’s a clever way to ask questions that reveal someone’s beliefs or worldview. We can uncover their core beliefs by asking gently and allowing them space to think. Questions like “What do you make of that?” show we’re not taking sides. We’re trying to understand another person’s perspective. I owe thanks to Dr Clark for that wise phrase.

Socratic reasoning. Dr. Gavin Clark taught me the quiet power of Socratic reasoning. Picture this: a client tells you they’re “terrible at relationships.” Instead of nodding or refuting, you lean in and ask, “What do you make of that?”

It’s like handing them a flashlight to explore their beliefs.

Socratic reasoning isn’t about having answers. It’s about gentle curiosity guiding your partnership. When clients say things like, “I’ll never get promoted” or “My partner doesn’t listen,” we gently probe: “When did you first notice this pattern?” or “What happens in your body when you think that?” These questions aren’t random — they’re scalpels dissecting assumptions.

Here’s the trick: you’ve got to leave space for the unsaid. Early in my career, I’d rush to fill silences. Now, I channel Gavin’s calm. When a client says, “I’m not good enough,” wait three extra breaths. “Good enough?”

Or a client tells you, “Nobody cares if I disappear.”

You have two emotionally laden words to riff off: “Nobody?” or “Disappear?”

Either single-word questions yield rich fruit. Hint: the latter may kick-start a suicide risk assessment. The former may yield specific people. Gentle questions might yield hurt about that person or people.

So what do you make of that? (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Work on the brain. Other mentors have furnished my coaching and therapy toolkit. Dr. Kate Lemerle taught me something powerful about how therapy works with the brain. Her lesson: therapy starts at the back of the brain and moves forward, beginning at the bottom and going up. This makes a lot of sense. Dr. Dan Siegel, a professor and psychiatrist, created the concept of interpersonal neurobiology. The ideas underpinning interpersonal neurobiology support Dr. Kate’s lesson for me.

What I’m about to suggest is appropriate for non-traumatised clients. Treating trauma may lead you to refer these clients to a therapist competent in working with trauma populations. That is unless you are a psychologist or mental social worker skilled in trauma assessment and interventions.

Picture a client who is overwhelmed by stress or pain. This could be from a breakup, addiction, or feeling stuck. They are in survival mode in their brain (the “bottom” of the brain). That area handles essential functions like breathing, panic, and raw emotions. The bottom part of the brain also oversees vital functions like breathing. You can’t jump straight into problem-solving or deep conversations if someone’s in crisis. They’re like that leaky boat you mentioned — you’ve got to bail water first. They might struggle to express anger or feel low. These clients often decide it’s time to seek therapy. They may need several sessions to stabilise their emotions.

So we start with simple, body-based tools: belly breathing, grounding exercises, or small wins like getting out of bed or walking. These calm the survival brain, slowing the “leak” of overwhelm. It’s like hitting a reset button so they can think with clarity again. We aim to stabilise the client’s distress. How do we know? Your sessions are not as intense with strong distress, where you need to work with their breathing or in grounding exercises. They are a little calmer and more ready to listen. That’s what stabilisation looks like. It takes time and trust with some clients to reach that point.

Once stabilisation is achieved, we can focus on more cerebral treatment. Once things feel steadier, we work with the back of the brain — the part that handles movement, senses, and gut feelings. The back of the brain controls movement, coordination, and sight. This is where chronic stress often “lives” physically. We could pay attention to the tension in their shoulders or try mindful walking. This helps clients safely reconnect with their bodies. They build trust that they are no longer in danger.

Only then do we move to the front of the brain—the “thinking” zone (prefrontal cortex). This is where plans, insights, and self-compassion kick in. Now, we can examine why the client’s relationships show discernible patterns. We can also discuss how to set boundaries and reframe negative thoughts.

This “front” area includes the prefrontal cortex, which is key for executive functions. If you’ve felt distressed and sought therapy, this brain area can help you grasp your issues more clearly. It lets clients stay on track by focusing on what’s going well instead of problems. They learn to build on successes while showing self-compassion during tough times. This approach encourages them to address stress and engage in calming activities. Coaching is often about this “front area” work, assuming our clients do not have clinical presentations.

But here’s the catch: if the survival brain acts up again (and it will!), we return to breathing exercises or grounding techniques. It’s a dance between calming the storm and building skills — not a straight line. Thus, knowing how to work with all parts of the brain is vital for both coaching and therapy. We meet our clients where they are today.

Dan Siegel’s research backs this up. Therapy isn’t only “talking.” It’s about helping the brain rewire itself from the bottom up and the back to the front. If their boat’s sinking, you can’t teach someone to navigate choppy waters.

Also, no treatment is a panacea. We relapse and have bad days, and that is OK. For instance, we aren’t likely to have a tip-top pre-frontal cortex function after poor sleep. This can cause us to rely more on essential functions than our executive ones.

Dr. Siegel’s work differentiates between the brain and mind. The mind has a different lens: how your client organises information. Or their subjective experience with various stimuli and circumstances. This subjective experience is rich material to speak about with your client. Yet how might you “organise” these experiences?

HOWL — a great organiser. I got a great idea from an Australian coach named Nickolas Yu. He ran an excellent manager-as-coach course for the University of Sydney staff. He introduced the acronym HOWL, which stands for “have to,” “want to,” and “love to.” I learned so much from Nickolas. His self-effacing sense of humour and remarkable insights were delightful to experience.

This HOWL acronym has been invaluable in my coaching. I ask clients about their values and where they focus their time. I want to know if they feel they “have to” meet social obligations. Or do they “want to” or “love to” join activities that fit their values and make them happy? Their answers reveal how they manage their energy. Are they focusing on what brings them joy or what drains them? The HOWL acronym helps clients see where they focus their energy.

When clients feel stuck, I ask: “Is this task a ‘have to,’ ‘want to,’ or ‘love to’ for you?” Their answers paint a map of their mental priorities. An executive I coached once admitted 80% of her week was “have to” obligations — no wonder she felt drained! We used HOWL to change the game. We balanced the “HOWL ledger” with an equal balance of “want to/love to” and “have to/ought to”. We reframe how clients organise their mental load. By doing so, we are rearranging thoughts. In achieving this, we rewire their relationship with activities that drain or replenish their minds and hearts. This rewiring takes time.

Slow it down. As enjoyable as it is to connect the dots and deploy quick and valuable tools with clients, speed is a danger. Quick thinking competes with the time it takes for clients to process feelings and insights. Do not confuse quick insights and treatment velocity with effectiveness.

Another mentor, Joel Curtis, manages two psychology private practice clinics. I have worked in his Blacktown clinic on Saturdays for years. He has supervised me over the years; when I am stuck with clients, he tells me to slow down. His advice sounds simple, but it is incredibly wise in retrospect. I use the idea of a slow-motion camera, much like in rugby league, a popular sport in Australia.

A slow-motion camera captures every detail when a player dives for the ball. We can apply this method with clients. We start by focusing on a feeling in their body or a trigger related to their distress. Next, we guide them through what happened, mapping their thoughts, actions, and emotions. This helps us see their experience unfold, like images from a slow-motion camera.

For example, if a client feels stressed and turns to gambling, we trace their actions. We follow them from their car to the pub, exploring their thoughts and feelings. We find out what makes them gamble. Then, we track their actions, like taking money from the ATM and playing poker machines. The client experiences relief, boredom, and excitement until they run out of money. Afterwards, they deal with lingering feelings and consequences. By noticing these experiences, we help clients see their thoughts, feelings, and actions differently.

The slow-motion camera is a valuable tool in coaching and therapy. It helps us understand the client’s perspective. We use Socratic reasoning. We understand neurobiology in treatment. We also explore the “have to” versus “love to” concept. The slow-motion camera adds another layer to our work. I’ve picked up four key concepts from my mentors. They’ve improved my coaching and therapy, and I am grateful for their perspective.