When Vulnerability Becomes A Weapon

Might your relationship with your client be marred in hidden power dynamics? How might therapists and coaches break free from a toxic rescuer-victim cycle? Enter the Karpman Drama Triangle. We also look at how facing ‘pseudo-vulnerability’ helps us feel more in control of client progress.

The reality is that clients need to do the work. You can be a coach or a psychologist and guide the client. But in the end, the client has to do the hard work. Both of you must share the work in this partnership. It’s important to check that the client is doing their part, not talking about it. So in effect, we become an accountability partner.

What if clients do not embrace accountability?

We may feel guilty if we ignore the client’s lack of accountability. We assume our “job” is to save the client from distress. This can lead us to offer too many solutions and strategies to help. The client might reject some or all of these solutions.

We could also choose not to discuss ending therapy. This way, we can avoid upsetting the client. We may miss out on experiential techniques in coaching or therapy because we aren’t aware of them. We could believe the client thinks nothing is working. We may also feel the client is too fragile to handle tough talks or feelings. Would you feel overwhelmed, inadequate, or stuck if you were anything like me?

What two concepts can help us when clients don’t show accountability?

Karpman Drama Triangle. One key idea that has helped me grasp issues with accountability is the Karpman Drama Triangle. This triangle suggests three potential roles: the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. The victim plays the role of feeling powerless, and they think they can’t do anything right. All attempts are futile. Despite trying hard, the persecutor insists that it’s all your fault. So they tend to be controlling, blaming, critical, authoritarian, rigid, and superior. Yet if you challenge a persecutor, they can switch roles and become defensive.

The rescuer is someone who wants to help you. But they can take control. They often enable client helplessness. Rescuers also feel guilty if they don’t step in. If their help doesn’t lead to change, they may get angry and act like a persecutor. As a coach or a psychologist, it’s easy to fall into the rescuer role. We offer way too many solutions. We are rebuffed with “yes, but…” responses.

Rising above drama. If you’re working with this triangle, there’s a fourth role to consider: the adult. This person is more balanced. They can rise above the triangle and observe the three roles. This way, they help prevent anyone from tipping into one of those roles. The adult focuses on accountability. They ensure everyone understands the roles they take on, whether it’s on purpose or not.

Early in my career, I often raised my concerns during supervision. I was straightforward with my supervisor, seeking ways to get back on track. However, I sometimes felt like I was being manoeuvred and stitched up. Nothing I tried worked. Supervision and working with peers confidentially can help mitigate this or give you a better perspective. It did for me.

What might fuel the client’s roles in the “drama triangle”? The idea of a fake part of the client’s persona. We need to see it for ourselves, label it and deal with it. But how?

Something fake. Sometimes, you might feel that a client seems inauthentic. You may not know why, but it’s a strong feeling. I often bring these instincts to therapy or supervision. There is also a concept called pseudo-vulnerability. There’s a paper in the Frontiers of Psychiatry journal by Susan Simpson and Limor Navot explaining this idea. They speak about different client modes. So it borrows from a therapy called schema therapy and extends it. And they talk about four distinct roles.

Helpless Surrenderer. The first role is the “helpless surrenderer”. Your coaching or therapy client may seem helpless and expect you to offer quick-fix solutions. This could mean the client wants help from others. They may expect the therapist or coach to fix their emotional struggles. This is not the case at all. We are there to facilitate change but not to drive it. And we are not the experts in the client.

Simpson & Navjot’s ‘helpless surrenderer’ mode (Front Psychiatry, 2023) amplifies the Karpman Victim role through avoidant strategies. How? They suggest that clients weaponise vulnerability. Why? To evade accountability — while covertly demanding rescue.

You might call out the client’s patterns collaboratively.

“I see many suggestions put forward are not accepted. We can explore more suggestions; better fitting ones. But before anything, I wanted to share something I’ve noticed. It looks like a pattern to me, yet I may be wrong? What are your views? What might this pattern protect us from?”

The “helpless surrender” mode can be divided into two components or subsets. One is about focusing on the self, and one is about focusing on others.

Throwing out noise and distraction. Clients like this may use complaints to shield others from their painful feelings. The “complaining protector” sub-mode often seeks help but turns it down. They might gripe about the person in pain and invite others to listen. Yet they assume the problems won’t be solved, showing they’re not after real solutions or genuine advice. They consistently reject any offers for help. You also have the helpless surrender group. This includes the complaining protector. This often involves a client who has a pattern of complaining. But their focus is on others’ wrongs and actions.

Attention or recognition seeking. The next mode out of the three is attention or recognition seeking. I notice exaggerated or shallow emotions in my work with clients in psychology and coaching. They might face significant personal challenges. Still, their feelings remain balanced and appropriate, even while they struggle. Sometimes, you might feel that something is off with specific clients. It may seem exaggerated or superficial. Trusting this intuition is important. It’s not that showing strong emotions is “bad”. But if you notice something feels off, trust your gut. A person or client might suddenly show intense pain or dramatic feelings.

This could be because they want to draw attention to themselves and their suffering, or deep down, it’s a way to avoid responsibility or blame. The self-aggrandizer or the self-pitying victim may show suffering that feels shallow. "Poor me, I’m sacrificing so much, but I have no choice in the matter." They will often present their suffering in relation to being a martyr or a saviour. So, suffering is worn as a badge of honour.

Surrender. There are three types of surrender: belligerent, complaining, and self-aggrandising. You may need to gently point out this false vulnerability with either type. Do so with respect and care. Plan the session ahead of time with your supervisor or a peer. You might also want to jot down your key points and read them during the session.

I had a client who showed a helpless surrender mode. I compared this mode to a bouncer who excelled in their role. This bouncer didn’t only kick out “bad” thoughts and behaviours for the client. They also blocked therapy from succeeding.

Defences and counter-attacks. Consider a client who refuses between-session work, saying, “I’m too broken to try.”

They might “not understand” what you are suggesting. Or change the topic, deflect with a distraction, or appear upset. Victim-persecutor roles flip to show the Triangle’s instability. A client might start by saying, “Nothing works!” When they need to be accountable, they might retort, “You’re as useless as my last coach or therapist!”

Our “authority” as coaches or therapists can anchor clients in “victimhood”. Our credentials and office settings unconsciously signal ‘I fix, you receive,’ priming pseudo-vulnerability.

Or they may respond to suggestions with, “Yes, but…”

The “helpless surrenderer” and “rescuer” coach or therapist might share the same assumption. If I suffer enough, someone will fix me. This is a lie that both clients and coaches or therapists might believe. It stops them from growing.

We are likely to play Rescuer and double down on solutions. Let’s focus on the Adult role by sharing accountability. Ask the client, “What small step can we take today?”

Playing with explosives. In coaching, this dynamic can happen, too. Sometimes, you must mention a third party, like a pseudo vulnerability, that might hinder progress. Be ready for strong emotional reactions from clients. If you plan what to say and write it down, you can approach the situation as an “adult”. This way, you can respectfully call out an issue or make an educated guess about why progress isn’t happening.

The client may feel upset, and that’s understandable. However, it's important to sit with their discomfort. Showing that you can accept their feelings and be there without judgment is a powerful part of therapy. In coaching, you may see a similar situation. Allow strong emotions but guide the client back to the task. Also, reassure them that it’s okay to express feelings as long as it’s not abusive.

Highlight that the relationship isn’t working because the client isn’t putting in the effort. This could be due to a habit that lets them avoid responsibility. They might also act like a victim or a persecutor in different situations. And that you don’t need to be the rescuer. You can instead be the adult.

That’s not to say that calling our pseudo-vulnerability is without emotion. It is — clients may reveal great shame or anger. This may mean the session today ends on an intense note. You may need to have the client practice box breathing or another way of regulating emotions. Yet once the feeling fades, they might see this as an unconscious defence mechanism. It’s essential to address it, ideally in that session or the next. This helps the client return to a more genuine and open way of being.

Nothing personal. This pseudo-vulnerability acts like a third party. It’s not who the client is; it’s more like a bouncer between you two. This reframe means the client is less likely to take what you’re about to say personally. It is tricky to navigate, relying on our ability to sit with the client’s distress when this is respectfully called out. Yet what happens when you do this well? You get to focus on both parties doing the heavy lifting. The smoke screen of this pseudo vulnerability may appear sometimes. But you can peer around this and see the genuine, vulnerable client instead.

This allows them to focus on their work instead of using session time on a defence that helps neither of you. Over time, this insight can boost your confidence as a coach or psychologist. You may recognise feelings of guilt or responsibility or realise you tried to rescue them without success. Understanding this helps you stay in an “adult” role where you share accountability.

Helping clients model “the adult”. The drama triangle has an antidote. The opposite of the drama triangle is the “Winner’s Triangle”. Created by Acey Choy in 2017, this triangle offers a healthier way of relating. We transform “victims” to “victors” through subtle yet important shifts.

We replace the Victim role with a healthier Vulnerable role: “I struggle but can try.” Vulnerable means problem-solving, self-soothing, and taking constructive steps despite feeling upset or distressed. It is hard at first when clients have made a habit of complaining, deflecting blame, or other games.

The Rescuer role becomes Caring — as a coach or therapist, you have the mindset of empathy rather than sympathy. There is a big difference between empathy and sympathy. The first is accepting the client’s autonomy and is from a balanced place; the latter is not — where we over-try to help. “I’ll support your agency, but I also don’t need to be needed.” Clients have their answers. We also encourage our clients to listen to others carefully and share their knowledge in their relationships.

The Prosecutor's role changes to a positive and proactive one. It focuses on accepting others and setting boundaries, which helps everyone grow.” We encourage clients to ask for what they want and to say no when their boundaries are challenged. We also encourage clients to be flexible in meeting their needs.

You aren’t the expert; the client is. You can share your thoughts and help shape their progress, treatment, and assessment. You can also be a supportive partner but don’t overcommit.

The hardest truth? Pseudo-vulnerability often works. That is, until we, as coaches or therapists, stop craving the Hero narrative. Our need to ‘save’ sustains the Drama Triangle more than any client behaviour.

If you feel confused, stuck or exhausted with clients, reflect on why. Could you and your client be playing your part in a drama triangle? Could you model healthier ways of relating and call out patterns or dynamics that no longer serve you or your client?