You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup
How do psychologists or coaches perform at their best? They nurture their well-being to sustain their capacity for empathy and insight.
Working with clients changes you. How? It depends on the client populations that you serve. You become more sensitive to specific stressors. Work with forensic populations? You may become more aware of the impact of violent TV shows on your nervous system. Your job in a prison or court system can be intense. A colleague working in the prison system told me about the burdens she leaves at work. Yet her job has taken an emotional toll on her over time. So too with working in fields like child protection or acute psychiatric wards. Your emotional burden during the day might leave you little space for extra burdens. For instance, viewing anything violent or traumatic outside of work.
You may not work with populations renowned for their emotional burdens. Awareness of your emotional state applies to everyone working one-on-one with people. You may become more aware of people and situations that give you energy or drain it. This sensitivity is a natural evolution. It is vital to preventing burnout. You can avoid or prolong burnout by being more aware of energy-draining people or events. As you grow older, you become more aware of relationship dynamics in your friends and family. You notice things that drain your energy over time. You should be around non-dramatic, gentle, and respectful people. Their presence should replenish you. This means you protect your energy more. You may seek people with less drama and hold stronger boundaries.
Less drama, better boundaries. Leave the drama and dramatic personalities for others. They may have the patience for that nonsense. But you may be dealing with more intense topics and interactions. You need your circle to understand you. Due to confidentiality, you can’t talk to them about your problems. You might leave a clinic after working with a suicidal client. Then you might take a bus home. Your friends and family have no idea what you’ve tried to work through with the client. They don’t know you worry about that client taking their life between your last session and the next. In coaching or therapy, you discover healthy boundaries and improve your emotional expression. You might know many stories from clients. Their families of origin were not ideal. They have avoided specific topics and challenges their whole lives. It could be that your client is high-functioning.
That high functioning might partly be due to trauma. It created a deep insecurity that will never be filled. So, you are lucky. You get a behind-the-scenes look at human nature. You, but it may make you sensitive to draining clients. It can also make you aware of the intensity of seeing clients that harms your nervous system. Other factors, like pay or your work environment, also matter. You will ask powerful questions of your clients who face certain predicaments. Later on, you may face those same predicaments. Staring into the mirror of your emotional “stuff” is necessary. After all, do you know why certain people and contexts drain or upset you?
Stare into the mirror. Ask yourself those same questions you put to your clients. It may be time to move on or change parts of your life. When you return to your circle, you start to see respect between two people. If you work as a psychologist, you likely understand secure attachment well. This helps you see how it differs from other attachment styles. Those may not support healthy relationships.
You may see your ouch points. Certain people trigger them. They get offended when you dare to raise those points or set boundaries. You might lose some friends. Maybe that’s okay. We outgrow people and learn what we will not and cannot tolerate from our circle. We will also find specific topics or ones we will walk away from in the therapy room. I can talk about most topics, but cruelty to animals is one of those things that does get to me. While I’m not a fan of the word “trigger”, it’s valid for these ouch points in our lives. Where in your life do you exhibit disproportionate responses or emotions?
What drains you? Other coaches or psychologists might have different topics. Their views vary based on their backgrounds. All these perspectives are valid. If your circle raises challenging issues that upset you, stay non-judgmental. Or, you can be frank in appraising whether to distance yourself. Once you know what and who energises you, avoid or pursue what serves you best. Be your best self. Draw on your strengths. Be quick to move on, make tough decisions, and handle conflict healthfully and respectfully.
Discomfort is the manure of growth. You are starting to evolve. The tough, uncomfortable changes in your life can teach you. They give you the gravitas to ask your clients some questions. After all, they are the experts in themselves. Yet your clients could benefit from some insights from your experience.
Yet, in evolving and optimising your energy, there may be discomfort. You might feel fear, anger, or other aftereffects. This may happen after tough choices to align your life. You should move towards what energises you and away from what does not serve you. How aware are you of life stressors and energisers?
