What’s my problem?

Commitment issues.

I have this perception that I don’t follow through on commitments to myself.

• Exhibit A: In high school, I played a lot of Age of Conquerors. I was decently good. I was the best in our group for a short period of time until two guys practiced their early rushing game and destroyed the rest of us. I knew what I needed to practice to get better and wanted to, but I didn’t.
• Exhibit B: I played a lot of poker in college. Enough to pay my rent. I had close friends who were much better and one recommended me a book that helped him improve his game. I put in my hours reading superficial books like The Psychology of Poker and The Theory of Poker and put in the hours playing the game, but I didn’t make it very far into any book that would actually improve my game.
• Exhibit C: Last year my new year’s resolution was to read five books related to data science. I only finished 70% of one book.
• Exhibits D-Z: I had thought about and started many projects (e.g. model fantasy sports, create a text-based game). I never finished any of them. What’s especially odd is that in many cases I completed 90% of the work and then stopped there.

Why do I not do the things that I believe will improve aspects of myself that I want to improve? Using the plethora of self help resources on the internet, here’s my psychoanalysis.

The reasons for my problem should be found in all or most of the exhibits listed above. I’m a very self-motivated and disciplined person so many of the often cited reasons can be tossed out (Exhibit A might have been an issue of motivation but not in the other cases). I don’t think I have a problem with not believing in myself (I think I’m too arrogant) or time management/setting unrealistic goals (this could explain Exhibit C but doesn’t explain stopping right before finishing). From the process of elimination, I think that I most likely have a problem with ambition or fear.

Ambition: While I’m motivated by self improvement, not having a clear objective that I have ambition to achieve diffuses my efforts. As a result, I might not finish projects and will move on to the next thing that I feel motivated to work on.

If this is one of my problems, then I’m not sure what I can do about it. From Quora answers, ambition seems to be a circumstance instead of a problem to be addressed. I am not naturally competitive or ambitious, I am not spurred by an emptiness inside and I do not have an all-consuming passion.

This is not to say that I am not ambitious at all. So what I probably should and can do is to better define what areas I want to improve. I think I get stuck on trying to find the one thing I want to pursue and then dropping all of my progress when I become unsure if I picked the right thing. I will try using the design thinking concept and Warren Buffet’s productivity advice.

Fear: This is harder to tease out. Fear of what? I don’t think that I have a fear of failure. Fear of missing out on other opportunities sort of relates to my possible problem with ambition. Maybe I have a fear of that hollow feeling that comes with finishing something. I’m pretty good at finishing TV shows (but watching TV is a much more passive action) and I’m also great at finishing projects for work and around the home. The only projects I have trouble finishing are ones that are completely for myself.

Is it that there are a lot more relationships and teamwork possibilities at a lower level of competence? This sounds silly, but honestly could be an issue for me.

Being consciously aware that many meaningful achievements (the ones that I’m failing at) are lonely pursuits and making a choice to pursue or not to pursue these personal projects is my next action step here.