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Dissociate

Misty Moon
Human in Pieces
Published in
6 min readJan 16, 2025

I pull away

I don’t mean to. I want to be there, want the experience in its fullness, and yet…

There is a sense of unreality to it, a sense of… no, not falseness, not even exactly numbness. My body does the things it’s supposed to, for a bit; there is a sense of double vision, my body on the one side smiling and touching; my consciousness on the other, watching quietly, not saying a word.

When the gap between my body and my consciousness grows too wide, suddenly they snap back together and I freeze. I pull away and curl into myself. Though the threat of danger is now years in my past, still I must protect myself from (what my body has learned is) the inevitable.

The first time Jester touches me, I feel desire. It has been six months since I have been touched. But desire is not safe. My fight or flight response kicks in, and my brain chooses freeze.

I cannot speak.

I cannot say, No.

Desire is fleeting — here for maybe thirty seconds, maybe a minute, and then viciously gone.

I do not feel anything. My body is a ragdoll; and I, a silent witness to what happens to it. I watch as he fucks me, fully numb, not mourning, not caring. He doesn’t understand anything about this; he barely knows me. In the months to come he will grow to an understanding, he will learn to pay attention, to make sure I am present, to stop if I cannot speak; but now, he just fucks me.

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Human in Pieces
Human in Pieces

Published in Human in Pieces

The modern narrative of what it means to be human does not do us justice. It is only when we find ourselves in pieces that we can truly understand ourselves and become whole.

Misty Moon
Misty Moon

Written by Misty Moon

Writer, survivor, fledgling activist. Misty is the narrator inside my head. Buy me a coffee at https://www.buymeacoffee.com/mistymoon

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