The Myth of the Failed Marriage

Just because a marriage ends, doesn’t mean it was a failure.

My first husband's ring and - hard to see but it's there! - my tattoo representing him. I don't regret getting it. Image created by author.

My divorce papers come swiftly, arriving in my mailbox less than a week after I turn in the appropriate forms (signed and notarized) to the courthouse. Almost five years after leaving my husband, I am officially no longer his wife.

Societal wisdom would call my first marriage a “failed” marriage, because we did not stay together until one of us was dead. Our marriage certainly had its problems — I would be dead now if I had stayed in it — but despite even the absolute worst parts of it, I still do not consider my marriage a failure.

It was a learning experience for both of us, and I am a stronger person because of it.

Where is the failure in that?

A traditional perspective on relationships claims that if a relationship cannot stand the test of time, it wasn’t the “right” relationship with the “right” person. Someone who is happy to enjoy a relationship without the need to define it is considered “commitment-phobic.” If a man takes too long to propose marriage, that is seen as a red flag and a viable reason to break up.

Why are we as a society still clinging so hard to such rigid and archaic notions of what constitutes a “successful”…