The Human Infestation Pt 1: What are humans?

Earth. Once a beautiful planet of luscious greens and gorgeous blues, is now being ravaged by a grey plague of nightmarish proportions. The cause? A peculiar breed of anthropoid pathogens called humans.

The grey plague

Over the past few millennia, human population on planet Earth has exploded from under a few millions to several billions. Humans now occupy every corner of the blue planet and wreak havoc through their devastating nesting and feeding habits. So, what are these humans? What do they feed on? How do they multiply? In this first part of the series on human infestation, we would answer some of these basic questions.

A typical human body

Humans are tough creatures. Despite having soft bodies with no exoskeleton, they wrap themselves in coverings made from plant excretions and animal skins. A normal human has four limbs, two of which are used for locomotion while the other two highly dexterous limbs are used to interact with its surroundings. A human senses its surroundings using two lemon-sized squishy organs called eyes which can detect electromagnetic radiation limited in the wavelength from 400 to 700 nano meters, and two pressure sensitive funnel like structures called ears which can detect mechanical vibrations limited in frequency from 20 to 20,000 cycles per second. The information from these organs is continuously carried to a central hub called brain through a network of organic wires laid throughout the human body. As a side effect of this centralized information processing, humans tend to believe that they exercise free will, which the reader may recall, is a dangerous trait associated with some of the multiverse’s most egregious sentient beings.

Humans communicate among themselves through a convoluted ritual of flapping a wobbly piece of muscle called tongue against the opening of their digestive track, thereby creating vibrations which other human ears can sense. When communication is required over farther distances, humans convert the mechanical vibrations of their tongues to electrical signals, transmit the electrical signals over conductive wires, and convert them back to vibrations. Humans have even invented ways to store the nature of their tongue vibrations onto electronic apparatus which can be reproduced at a later point in time.

A human youngling protruding its tongue. The eyes, ears and nose are also visible.

Humans feed on other sentient species around them, predominantly plants and animals. Usually, humans enslave particular breeds of immobile, benign sentient species around them through a process called agriculture, and repeatedly violate those species for food and other uses. The human digestive system breaks down the body matter of the sentient species into simple molecules which are then oxidized to release energy. Humans sequestrate oxygen from their environment by sucking on gases surrounding them using a two-holed bodily protuberance called nose.

Humans build intricate nests out of concrete and steel to protect their fragile bodies from temperature fluctuations and solar radiation. When not in the safety of their concrete nests, humans move around in cocoon shaped metal enclosures that seem to excrete poisonous gases, probably designed to ward off predators. The metal cocoons need to be continually fed with liquefied fossils of the ancient dead. Humans often scavenge the earth for the buried reserves of the decomposed dead in order to feed their cocoons and keep them moving.

Human metal cocoons moving around their concrete nests

Although the human body is quite useless in terms of the extremely limited view of the multiverse it is able to perceive, the human brain is capable enough to conjure up complex contraptions that enables the humans to build and use tools towards achieving grandiose yet meaningless goals. For instance, groups of humans sometimes compete to build their nests as projected out from their planet’s surface as possible, as if to move away from all the debris they’ve created underneath. This phenomenon leads to the formation of gray patches of needle like projections called skyscrapers, which are characteristic of a human infestation. The process also releases pernicious chemicals into the planet’s atmosphere, damaging the delicate ozone layer surrounding the planet.

Humans also tend to catapult objects into the outer space, sometimes with other humans trapped in them. Despite being a fairly recent trend, this space-dumping is leading to the accumulation of vast amounts of debris around the blue planet. Thankfully, the catapulted debris is mostly within the star system of the planet, as the infestation is contained to only one planet in the star system for now.

Human species only has two sexes, and procreation is done through the act of intercourse involving one human from each of the two sexes. Humans derive great pleasure from the act of intercourse, which is believed to be one of the major reasons for their viral multiplication. Human younglings resemble adult humans in their form, but are not as damaging to the planet in their function, in the early stages of development. The younglings quickly learn the ways of the adults and subscribe to the planet’s infestation.

In the next part of the series, we would introduce the reader to the symptoms of a human infestation.