I’m In My Mid-30s And Only Just Learning How To Process My Emotions
From talking about emotions to really processing emotions.
Like many people nowadays, I have a relatively good understanding of mental health; what impacts mental health and what you can do to improve it.
Despite working in this field for the best part of a decade and feeling well versed in talking about all things mental wellbeing, it has only just dawned on me (I feel ashamed to admit), that intellectualising the topic and really processing emotions, are two very different things.
Well, that’s obvious I hear you say. And yes, I would’ve said the same thing.
But for many people, the experience of poor mental health and an understanding of the trauma that may be at the root of it, don’t necessarily equate to the deeper emotional processing of how and why the trauma plays out the way it does physiologically.
I would always describe myself as having a nervous disposition. An excitable, nervous energy when I’m around people that would more often than not involve imagining interactions from the perspective of others, rather than my own. This would manifest in people-pleasing tendencies that went as far as absorbing others emotions and energy, through real-empathy and a genuine desire to put others at ease and make them feel comfortable.
But why was I doing this?
In part, because I felt I could relate with that feeling of internal discomfort and conflict, and in part because it was easier to direct my attention towards others than it was to focus on myself.
I would use all the right buzz words and terminology — talking about things such as trauma, boundaries and triggers - with seeming fluency, and although I did understand elements of each in my own life, I wasn’t fully cognisant of what and why those things played out the way they did in my own mind and body.
Bringing awareness
Now that I have greater (real) awareness of how my body and mind react in particular environments and in certain circumstances, I am learning to have far more compassion for myself and to allow myself to really feel whatever emotion comes up at the time, accept it, and let it stay without reacting in the moment, ignoring it or pushing it away.
In truth, the processing I am currently doing has only been possible because I have taken some time off work. I’d reached a limit and had been feeling in a state of emotional overwhelm for a couple of weeks, which resulted in me being unable to concentrate on any task, follow conversations or digest and respond to emails.
The space and time to slow down and begin to process my emotions has been crucial.
I’ve begun to meditate properly for the first time, journal with real intention and educate myself on topics such as how trauma is held in our bodies.
As I sit here now writing this article, the process has been therapeutic in ways, and I hope that in sharing parts of my journey they will resonate and provide a kind of reassurance to others going through similar experiences.
