A collection of aphorisms and axioms by Victor “KOOL A.D.” Vazquez
1: SKY MALL / BARF BAG / SMART PHONE
SKY MALL IS A LESSON IN THE CULTURAL SOPHISTRY OF THE RULING CLASS FOR AN UPWARDLY ASPIRING BOURGEOISE. OR A FUN GAME FOR A BORED MIDDLING BOURGEOISE. OR ANGER PORN FOR THE BLEEDING HEART BOURGEOISE IN DENIAL. OR SADNESS PORN FOR THE RESIGNED, DEFEATED BOURGEOISE. OR A COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY DISTRACTION.
ONLY 5% OF THE WORLD’S POPULATION HAS FLOWN IN AN AIRPLANE.
TELEPATHY IS THE ONLY SUSTAINABLE WAY TO PUBLISH.
WHAT IF BOOKS NOT BOMBS AND FOOD NOT BOMBS GOT TOGETHER AND WERE JUST “NOT BOMBS”?
WHEN YOU WATCH LAW & ORDER, LAW & ORDER WATCHES YOU TOO.
“IF YOU CAN’T BEAT ‘EM, JOIN ‘EM” IS A TERRIFYING IDEA.
PRINCE’S REAL NAME IS PRINCE.
THE LIBERACE MUSEUM IN LAS VEGAS USED TO BE A BANK.
CLASSIC WESTERN PHILOSOPHY IS SLAVEOWNERS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
IF YOU’RE USING A FRENCH WORD TO DESCRIBE IT, IT CAN’T BE ALL THAT “AVANT GARDE” NOW, CAN IT?
LANGUAGE: CRUEL JOKE OR FUNNY JOKE?
IS ALL POWER TERRORISM?
LOVE: BOURGEOISE PARLOR GAME? REVOLUTIONARY WEAPON? COSMIC MYSTERY? REGULAR THING THAT HAPPENS?
SUFFERING IS THE MILK OF THE AMERICAN DREAM. YOU CAN GET IT FOR FREE, WHY BUY THE COW?
RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH.
THERE ARE MORE AMERICAN BLACK MEN IN JAIL TODAY THAN THERE WERE SLAVES IN THE ANTEBELLUM AMERICAN SOUTH.
COUNTRY MUSIC GROUP LADY ANTEBELLUM HAS WON SEVEN GRAMMYS.
MUSIC IS A TRICK, DON’T LISTEN TO IT.
IF I’M ON AN AIRPLANE WITH (X AMOUNT) DOLLARS WORTH OF FUEL IN IT, TRAVELING (Y AMOUNT) MILES, HOW MUCH MONEY DID MY 7TH GRADE MATH TEACHER MAKE IN A YEAR?
OUR JEALOUSY IS THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF DOLPHINS.
ANIMALS CAN THINK AND SPEAK.
EVERYTHING LIVES. LOVE IS UNIVERSAL.
The barf bag reminds us of our natural inclination to remain on the ground.
No matter what the in flight movie is, it’s always Inception.
The TV show C.O.P.S. presents us with images of brutality and asks that we perceive them as justice.
Once you go to college you can never go back.
Does the Middlebrow offer a post-revolutionary aesthetic or is it in fact a counter-revolutionary suppression tactic?
Is the word “Revolution” tired rhetoric from a ideology incompatible with the real world or is that what THEY want you to think?
Would you rather live in a house or a project?
Human beings lived for 2.6 million years with the same simple stone technology.
In the future, looks will actually kill.
In the future, the difference between a book and a video game will be negligible.
Situationists: Incomprehensible? Irresponsible? Useful?
Is violence just physically articulated fear?
Is paranoia a sublime state of awareness that can be utilized in positive ways?
What’s more natural: sharing or not sharing?
NPR : FOX :: Starbucks : Dunkin Donuts in that who cares?
The lowest common denominator is at least sometimes fun.
Does everything suck or does everything “suck”?
No disrespect, but isn’t writing books kind of for white people?
If everybody leaned their seat back and left the tray tables down and didn’t turn off their electronic devices during take off and landing, would the plane crash or would the middle class get tax breaks?
Being starved for attention is one of the most American things.
Being delusional and selfish is another American thing.
Hoping that one day you will become rich without having to do anything is another American thing.
We have been trained to see extremism without capital as ugly.
How much of my time should I invest in trying to understand how the world is and how much of my time should I invest in trying to understand how the world should be?
When people say “I’m just doing my job” they usually mean “I’m being a dick.”
Capital letters means yelling on a computer but what does yelling on a computer mean?
34% of the world has internet access.
THE “SMART PHONE” IS WHAT YOU DO TO AVOID LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYES, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE PEOPLE MADE.
WHAT IF ALL CONSPIRACY THEORIES WERE A CONSPIRACY?
WHAT MARKETABLE SKILLS ARE ALSO USEFUL FOR SURVIVAL ON A BASIC LEVEL?
EVERYBODY’S AN IDEA MAN.
CREDENTIALS ARE OFTEN USEFUL BUT NOT ALWAYS NECESSARY.
IN THE LAND OF THE COSIGN, THE KING IS KING.
WE CAN ALL LIVE LIKE KINGS ONCE WE SHARE A MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING OF HOW KINGS SHOULD LIVE.
IF SHE ROLLS HER EYES AT YOU IT DOES NOT MEAN TRY HARDER IT MEANS GIVE UP.
LIES WERE INVENTED WITH LANGUAGE.
YOU CAN’T WIN.
EVERY RULE IS JUST A SUGGESTION.
DRUGS ARE CONCENTRATED MONEY.
BOLD DECLARATIVE STATEMENTS ARE OFTEN BELIEVED.
WHAT MIGHT AS WELL NOT EXIST MIGHT AS WELL EXIST. AND I GUESS VICE VERSA OR WHATEVER.
EVERY TIME YOU GO TO MCDONALD’S WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT, A PART OF YOU IS SAYING “FUCK IT.”
IF THE SMART PHONE WERE SO SMART, WOULD IT REALLY NEED A CHARGER?
CRUDE OIL COMES FROM FOSSILIZED DESIRE.
DON’T FEAR THE SMART PHONE. BUT DON’T LOVE THE SMART PHONE.
THE BEST SMART PHONE IS SO SMALL AND LIGHT THAT IT DOESN’T EXIST AT ALL.
THE HYBRID SUV IS LIKE NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.
COONERY IS A COMPLEX, SUBTLE AND LUCRATIVE ART.
YOUR SMART PHONE RUNS ON A MINERAL FOUND ONLY IN ONE SMALL REGION OF A WAR-TORN AFRICAN NATION.
2: THE INTERNET / JAZZ / FEELINGS
ALL MONEY IS BLOOD MONEY.
IT’S PROBABLY BEST TO HAVE A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.
ALL BOOKS ARE SELF-HELP BOOKS.
WHEN SOMEBODY SAYS “EVERYTHING THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD” I USUALLY THINK: “WHO CARES?”
“WHO CARES?” IS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER TO MOST QUESTIONS ASKED OF YOU THROUGHOUT ANY GIVEN DAY.
IF YOU ARE A DOCTOR AND YOU SAVE A PERSON’S LIFE, WHAT DOES THAT PERSON THEN DO?
IF YOU HAVE KIDS AND YOU WANT THEM TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE THAN YOU DID, WHAT DO THE KIDS DO?
WHAT DO YOU DO ON THE INTERNET?
YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT TO THINK ABOUT.
THE INTERNET: TOOL OR WEAPON?
TOOLS: WEAPONS? WEAPONS: TOOLS?
HOW ABOUT THIS: TRIPLE-DOUBLE CONSCIOUSNESS
STRATEGIC ESSENTIALISM: A BLACK THANG?
THERE IS LITERALLY ROOM IN THE WORLD FOR EVERYTHING TO WHOM DO YOU PROVE YOUR RIGHT TO EXIST?
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POLITICS AND ETIQUETTE?
ARE YOU AWARE OF OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS OR DO YOU JUST THINK YOU ARE?
IS IT NAIVE TO THINK THAT THERE’S A WAY FOR EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO BE HAPPY?
GET MONEY FUCK BITCHES OR… ?
life seems to be mostly about “doing ur thing”
falling in love with an idea alienates u from people
but love is an idea too
people are pretty much the realest idea and should be treated as such
end of the day, books are only about how books should continue to exist
every book you read is kind of asking, above all else, aren’t you glad you’re reading a book?
“THE PRICE IS RIGHT” : EVANGELICAL CAPITALISM?
WORDSWORTH: ACCEPTABLE WHITE RAPPER?
PRIVACY’S VOLUME GROWS AS ITS MASS SHRINKS, LIKE A BLACK HOLE
ART IS PROBABLY BEST LEFT NOT TALKED ABOUT?
WRITING IS FOR YOU OR FOR ME?
LIARS RELY ON THE GENERAL RELUCTANCE OF PEOPLE TO WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH?
EVERYTHING BOTH IS AND SAYS
HOW CAN U B URSELF AND STILL GET MONEY AND STUFF OR WHATEVER?
WE SHOULD REMEMBER TO PRIORITIZE USEFUL OVER MARKETABLE WHENEVER POSSIBLE
showing and proving is a real thing
fame enchants celebrities’ personal ideologies with their own social echoes
IMAGINE A FUN AND TERRIFYING FUTURE IN WHICH ALL WAR HAS BEEN REPLACED BY PSYCHOSEXUAL MIND GAMES.
IT’S IMPORTANT NOT TO FORGET THAT STANDARDIZED TESTING IS NOT ONLY A MEANS OF EXTRACTING INFORMATION FROM KIDS
BUT A MEANS OF IMPLANTING INFORMATION AS WELL.
SOME THINGS ARE SO OBVIOUS THAT THEY SHOULD BE REPEATED CONSTANTLY.
IS A THOUGHT A FEELING OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
IMAGINE SOMEONE YOU CONSIDER DUMBER THAN YOU AND PRETEND FOR A SECOND THAT THEY’RE ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN YOU.
WHAT’S A BETTER FEELING, TALKING OR LISTENING?
VICTOR “KOOL A.D.” VAZQUEZ is a Post American Mestizo multimedia artist working primarily in sound, light and language.
Image by Hawa Rahimi.
JOKE BOOK is a collection of aphorisms and axioms and was originally published by Sorry House. Vazquez’s novel, O.K., will be released by Sorry House in late December.