Kill All White People!

Personally, I don’t have a problem with white people. I have a white friend. In fact, I have lots of white friends. My mother, she’s white. Honestly, I don’t think white people are the enemy. But still, it’s abundantly clear, we need to kill all white people. We need to rid the earth of whiteness. With the future in mind, I put forth the argument that white people need a rebrand, starting with a new name. We gotta murder the inherently racist concept that we refer to as “white people.”

We keep trying to rename black people, but nothing sticks. Negroes. Colored. Afro-Americans. African-Americans. PoC. It’s all reactionary. They’re nonsensical terms. You know why, right? Because the problem starts with white people. We gotta get rid of them first. As long as there are white people there will always be racism.

Now, I could cite theory about white privilege. Give you stats that illustrate how and why PoC in America suffer due to a system built upon the foundation of white supremacy. But you’re smart. You see it with your own eyes. You hear it every day in the news cycle. Well this, my friends, is the way out: we kill all white people. We pry open the rusty bonds that chain us to our bloody history of whiteness. We emancipate ourselves, once and for all.

You may be thinking, “But I don’t want to just ditch my race, Zaron. I’m comfortable being white. I know how to do white, man.” Yes, I’m sure you are comfortable. It does sound nice. But it’s still the problem. For the conservative-minded still reading this, I promise you, relinquishing your whiteness won’t make you a traitor to your race. Race is imaginary. It’ll be more like waking up from a centuries-long nightmare.

Historians credit Bacon’s Rebellion as the violent turning point in American history that brought forth “white people.” Opposing the rich planters of Virginia, an army of free Blacks, Irish settlers, and African slaves rose up, united by a series of Indian massacres. Their sudden rebellion terrified the wealthy English planters of the Chesapeake region. The planters concluded that the poor laborers huddled together at the bottom rungs must be separated to control them. Laws were written to define and divide peoples. This was the birth of whiteness.

Historian Audrey Smedley fleshes out this period of colonial history in human terms:

They socialized together. They worked together, they played together, they drank together, they slept together, they lived together. The first mulatto child was born in 1620 [one year after the arrival of the first Africans]. When you read descriptions of the period you get the picture that color doesn’t make much difference, physical features don’t make much difference to these people, because they were all in the same boat. They saw themselves as having in common how they were related to the planters, the big owners.

To turn the poor against each other, they were “raced” and sold the American Dream. The Irish were told, “You may be poor, but you are free, and you are white. Now, go seek your fortune.” As newly-minted white people, all they had to do was ignore that their updated social contract was written in the blood of Natives and signed on the backs of African slaves. Their new race-based social status, legal protections, and adopted attitude of supremacy coalesced as the genesis of white privilege.

By the turn of the 20th century, Irish-Americans had climbed up a few rungs. They’d gained some social and economic power since they dominated certain professions like police, firemen, and construction workers. To reinforce their esteemed position in society, the Irish were extremely racist. They wanted it known that they were no longer on the same level as blacks in America.

Over the course of five centuries, the Irish-American campaign to become white was so successful, that today, most Irish-Americans happily enjoy all the privileges of being a white and don’t have any idea they weren’t white when they got to America. They weren’t white until it was good for business. And it wasn’t just the Irish that became white; the same could be said of a number of European ethnicities, for example: Italians, Greeks, Jews, and Poles.

As co-father of white privilege theory Ted Allen once said, “whiteness is a traitor to humanity.” This is your moment to put down your whiteness and embrace humanity. Just imagine every man your brother and every woman your sister. Imagine how much easier that would be to deal with. You may think you’re losing power by dropping your whiteness, but you also uncouple your soul from the guilt and shame. It’d be a clean start.

I’m sure some naysayers and cynics reading this are thinking, “Um, did you forget about ‘Caucasian?’ White people already have a name. Duh.” Really, though? C’mon, now. When was the last time you called a white person a Caucasian? You and I both know the only people using the word “Caucasian” are TV cops. I’m just being real. Those of us who aren’t fictional, we call ‘em white people. And there’s the rub. As long as we call them white people, we’ll always have racism. The problem with white privilege isn’t living, breathing white people; it’s their whiteness.

So, what should you call yourselves? What should be the new name for white people? Huh. That’s an all-day head-scratcher. Like, I have no fucking idea. But you should have fun deciding. I’m not the sort to think I could just up and rename a whole group of people. That seems dangerous. It stands to reason that it would be best if you name yourselves. Like, pick a name you’ll actually use. It’s a very important first step in saving the world and making life better for everyone you care about. It’s kind of a big deal. Once you’re no longer “white people,” it’ll help everyone better enjoy this space-traveling pool party we call Earth. Not just PoC, but your kids and grandkids, too. They’ll finally be free of the bullshit of race.

As you’re picking your new name, I would avoid the idea of using a color altogether. Maybe go with something classical, like “Appollonians.” I don’t know — it seems like white people go crazy for that bare-chested, toga-clad Greek shit. I’m just spit-balling here. How about a Harry Potter spin on whiteness? We could call white people “Slitherians.” No, too reptilian. You could always go with something future-retro cool, like … Europanauts. No. That’s lame. That’s no good. That’s bad. Okay, nothing like that. You need something catchy. Perhaps, we can incorporate your sun-sensitivity somehow. Throw that in the mix. White people seem to get orgasmic for autumn and cloudy days. What if you were cloud people? …Yeah, I’m not in love that one either.

Like I said, white people, you should come up with your own name. After that, blacks will go next. We don’t mind going second. At this point we might die of shock if you let us go first. Anyone else who wants a name change is welcome to try on a new appellation— but I’d argue that it’s important white people go first, since they started this whole bullshit skin game. Might as well be the first to undo it.

Since we’re all modern people, perhaps this whole name-changing business would best be decided via reality show. We could call it Kill All White People! Winner gets to pick the new name. Although that could be dangerous, too. If white people got corporate sponsorship, you could end up Walmartians. Maybe a reality show isn’t such a good idea.

…But you know what is?

Kill All White People!

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