Texting and Tinkling

I have to go number three…


A 2013 study by a marketing company called 11mark polled 1,000 people and found, “About seventy-five percent of Americans admitted to using their mobile phones while in the bathroom.” This means that 250 of the participants in this study are liars—everyone uses their phone in the bathroom!

I’ve become so notorious for using my smartphone on the porcelain throne, that my wife has come up with a new saying to describe it,

“I’m going number three.”

At a boring dinner party? No problem! Dip out for a few minutes and go number three. Hanging out with a group of judgmental friends and need to check your Reddit post? Politely excuse yourself and go number three.

On occasion I’ve sat there for so long that when I standup I almost fall over—my legs have fallen asleep.

Even children have begun emulating our dirty habit. A friend of mine recently caught his two year old daughter—newly potty trained—using an iPad in the bathroom. His wife sarcastically asked him, “I wonder where she learned that from?”

We’re raising a generation of children that are going to be so addicted to their smartphones I envision charging stations being installed in public bathroom stalls.

All joking aside, this is not an unexpected evolution. My father would make it a nightly ritual to read the newspaper in the bathroom after a long day at work. My Grandfather had stacks of Popular Mechanics and Time magazines lining the floors around his toilet.

The bathroom has always been a place—at least in the past couple of generations—to relax in tranquility.

So go forth and use your smartphone on the toilet; make sure not to let anyone borrow it afterwards. Crush all the candy to your heart’s content, like all the status updates you want, but under no circumstances should you answer the phone—that’s just gross.