A day of Human Skills
Human Skills is a series of interactive workshops designed to teach empathy, interpersonal and communication skills to adults. It was developed at New Zealand software development school Enspiral Dev Academy, and has achieved enormous success for educational institutions and businesses in areas that were said to be ‘unteachable’. Sarrah Jayne, the programme’s lead facilitator, shares a day in her life and the Human Skills she used along the way to keep calm in the midst of overwhelm.
Those of you who have attended a Human Skills course might know that some days it feels like you need ALL the skills you have learned just to get through the day and other days you might not think about it at all.
I want to share with you a story about a day in my life where I made it through the day (quite productively I might add) and all the skills that helped me along the way.
I woke up to my phone ringing just before 7am. It was my Mum calling to say that my cat (who lives with her) had been hit by a car and died. They had just found her on the driveway. I took a deep breath.
I was sleepy, shocked and sad. I named the feelings in my head.
While it might not seem like a big deal to some people, to me this cat was a very important friend who had helped me through many hard times over the years. I knew I would miss her terribly, and felt heart-wrenched at the violent way in which she had gone.
I needed space. I got off the phone to Mum, got dressed and walked up the hill to my favourite walking track. It was a bit cold and the wind felt good. I picked blackberries and took more deep breaths.
I came back home and made my breakfast, and even though I knew I would be a bit late to work, I needed to take some time for myself. I sat with our pet bunnies in the garden and ate my breakfast slowly. Mentally I was checking in again with how I was feeling, what I needed and what the day ahead would hold given this new information.
I mentally wrote myself a permission slip (something we often encourage students to do): “I give myself permission to be a bit slow today, to take it easy and it’s ok if I’m not as productive as I usually would be. I give myself permission to cry if I need to and to seek out support.”
Human Skill # 1: Self regulation — We teach self regulation for times of stress or overwhelm. There are 4 steps to self regulating in times of stress and that morning I used them all: Breathing, bilateral stimulation (walking), naming my feelings and needs and self compassion.
I work with an amazing team and even though I knew they would be supportive of me taking half a day off, given the circumstances, I actually wanted to be at work. At work I can be with my friends. I can be close to people who know me and care about me and I might even get something useful done.
In an act of courageous vulnerability I told a few of my team-mates when I got to work. Everyone was empathetic and understanding, offering me hugs, asking what I needed and sharing their kai with me. I felt held.
I also released it was my colleague’s birthday, so I made sure to put a ‘trust marble’ in his jar by getting him a birthday brioche and singing him happy birthday.
Human Skills # 2: Trust and empathy in teams — We know that trust is important but often overlook the small daily occurrences that build trust. It is a vulnerable process to trust. As Charles Feltman puts it: “Trust is to make something that is important to you vulnerable to the actions of somebody else.” So by sharing with my team I gave them the opportunity to give me empathy and I built trust.
After a coffee with another teammate I got on with some work and found it flowing pretty freely, so I took advantage of the motivation and got stuck into a piece of work I had put off the day before. After about an hour I recognised some physical signs of stress — tight shoulders, quickened breathing, and I realised that my second coffee had up-regulated my nervous system a little too much. Luckily it was time for one of our weekly yoga sessions in the office which I happily joined to down-regulate my nervous system.
Back at my desk I was calm and clear — blog writing time! Eeeeek! I noticed my inner critic firing up, “You can’t write a blog, you can’t even spell! There’s no way you could write something that people might actually want to read!”
I took a deep breath.
I know this voice, it comes and goes and luckily I have the tools to know what to do. So I gave myself a reality check — “Actually you can spell perfectly well most of the time (and that’s what spell check is for).”
Then I offered some acceptance and self compassion to myself, “It’s ok to feel this way, you don’t have much experience in this and it can be scary putting something out there for anyone to read. Maybe some people will relate to it, we are all human after all.”
After that I made a plan, “Let’s just have fun and write a draft. There’s no pressure to publish it right away, we can get some of the team to give feedback on it first.”
Human Skill #3: Relating to your inner critic — Recognise what is happening when your inner critic comes up. Give yourself a reality check by fact checking everything the critic says. Offer self compassion and recognise your shared humanity. Then start with small manageable steps to face your fears.
So after doing that process and giving myself some quiet time on the balcony and a nourishing lunch I’m ready to get into some writing. I knock out a draft pretty quickly and I know it will be much more time efficient if I ask my team for feedback, to tell me what I can’t see before I re-read it again.
I check in with myself — Am I ready to receive feedback? Am I feeling defensive or am I attached to the outcome of this? Is it going to feel ok if the feedback is only critical?
Given my emotional resilience is a little low and I’m still feeling sad about my cat, I decide to ask just two of my most trusted colleagues to give me feedback. I feel really safe with them and I know they will deliver it with kindness.
They read through my draft and give some great suggestions of what ‘specifically’ I could change so it flows a bit more.
Human skill # 4: Giving and receiving feedback — Feedback isn’t always easy to receive, so we recommend paying close attention to how you respond to it. We always recommend giving feedback that is Actionable, Specific and Kind (ASK) and it’s important that there is a high level of psychological safety in the team to make the exchange an exercise in building up relationships and trust.
Later that day I noticed my energy fading so I took a walk around the block. I ran into a friend of mine and told her about my cat. As I fought back tears I remembered I had given myself permission to cry so I let it out and we sat together with my memories and tears until I felt ready to go back to work.
The rest of the day was gentle. I did some preparation for workshops the next day and finished my blog, before going home for a bath and a good night’s sleep.
As I relaxed into bed at the end of the day, I thought about how much worse the day would have gone if I had tried to handle this situation when I was younger, without the human skills I’ve learned over the past few years. Self-monitoring, emotional regulation and the tools for effective communication all helped me to make sure my emotional bucket didn’t overflow, and kept me having a friendly and productive day, but without suppressing anything. I felt open and safe, and I felt like I had been kind to myself.
All of this shows me that Human Skills are essential for any human. We all have experiences happen to us, we are all forced into negative and conflict situations sometimes, and we need to be taught the skills to handle ourselves with grace. It’s as important for the individual as it is for the team and the organisation, and I have seen how these skills allow my students to navigate challenges in their working lives, no matter what role they are in.
Our goal at Dev Academy and with Human Skills is to create inclusive and safe working environments for everyone (especially in the tech industry) by teaching practical skills anyone can learn and use.
If you think any of these skills could benefit you or your team please get in touch.
