How to Show Up From a Distance

Courtesy of KOYA

The holidays are approaching and, with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, many will be away from their loved ones. Virtual isn’t the ideal, but now, we need each other more than ever.

To better understand the psychological importance of showing up from a distance, we interviewed Dr. Carla Marie Manly. According to Dr. Manly, “it’s important for us to ‘show up’ emotionally even when we can’t be present physically.” Dr. Manly also mentioned that the impact of genuinely showing up for another person has a more significant benefit than being with someone but not showing up emotionally.

In addition to interviewing Dr. Carla Marie Manly, we heard from upwards of 25 therapists, psychologists, and life coaches. Everyone shared unique ways to “show up” for your loved ones from a distance. Without further ado, here are a few of their timely ideas:

1. Send a personalized care package. Sonya Schwartz, a relationship expert and the founder of Her Norm, suggests sending a package with your loved ones’ favorite things. You could include their favorite foods, homemade cookies, or something else that will remind them of your connection.
2. Create a dinner for two by video. Dr. Carla Marie Manly suggested sending “matching meals” (e.g., pizza or Chinese takeout) to you and your loved one so that you can dine together.
3. Plan a movie night. If you are looking to share an experience, Samantha Moss shares how there is no alternative to receiving a warm hug or snuggling close; the next best thing is to watch a movie together. The Rabbit app lets people share online experiences. You could even send some popcorn to complete the experience.
4. Practice Eist listening. You don’t have to go out of your way to “show up” for your loved ones. According to Susan Scott, a professional leadership coach with a master’s in counseling, “You can build a durable relationship even long distance if you are willing to learn the skills of exceptional listening.” To do this, Susan uses something that she calls Eist listening. Eist is an old Irish word for intensely focused listening. It entails investing our entire selves into listening for understanding. “Eist listening requires bringing humility and empathy into the conversation. Being 100% attentive to what the other person is saying with no thought of what you want to say next or how you feel about what is being said. Your intent is solely to understand the other person deeply.” Little things like this go a long way in making someone feel seen and valued.
5. Keep your commitments. Relationship & Communication Expert, Chloe Ballatore, shares how “the best way to show up, IRL or virtually, is to make and keep commitments. This is especially important when you can’t see each other in person. That means making and keeping phone dates, zoom calls, check-ins. Make this a regular thing the other person can count on.”
6. Write down their interests. Susan Scott recommends jotting down whenever your loved ones express deep desires and interests whenever possible. You could make a digital note or add it to your calendar. When the gift-giving season comes around, you’ll have ideas for gifts that will touch their heart.

One of our basic human needs is to be seen and valued by others. According to Susan Scott, “feeling valued by others gives us an important sense of worth and when we can return that gift of caring, our lives feel more meaningful. Knowing we have people who cherish us is like an anchor in the storms of life.”

In addition to the practical tips mentioned above, it’s noteworthy that nearly every therapist, psychologist, and life coach suggested the importance of calling your loved ones instead of texting. Virtual isn’t ideal, but it’s much better than not showing up at all. We hope these suggestions help you connect with your loved ones this holiday season.

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Thinking of someone that could use your love and support this holiday season? Show them with KOYA!