What To Say When You Don’t Know What To Say

After hearing from over 26 therapists and psychologists, more than 75% offered the same advice

As a society, we are programmed to greet people with a quick, “How are you?” before even proceeding with a conversation. Few of us are ready to hear an honest reply when someone strays from the automatic response, “I’m doing great, thanks.” Even harder than hearing the truth, is responding afterwards and locating the “right words”.

So what do you say when the news feels heavy, a response is necessary but you can’t relate? How do you respond when someone says “I am having a hard time. My friend just passed away” or “It’s been a really hard week.” If you are like most people, your heart may ache for them, but it can feel hard to know exactly what to say.

After hearing from over 26 therapists and psychologists about what to say when you ‘don’t know what to say’, more than 75% offered the same advice. The majority said you should start by acknowledging that you don’t know what to say and suggested variations of “I don’t have the right words, but I am here for you” or “I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you and want to support you.” Simply stating your own headspace and intentions can lead to an honest, supportive conversation.

Although that message of support works as both a reply and a way to initiate a conversation, it can be helpful to have a more specific guide when entering uncharted territory, such as the intricacies that arise within relationships. Here’s a collection of other helpful suggestions we’ve received:

1. Send messages to your friends without a question or prompt to reply. Instead of asking “How are you doing?” try “Just checking in. Love you and here for you no matter what.” According to Nicole Arzt, a licensed marriage and family therapist who serves on the advisory board for Family Enthusiast, this gentle message lets your friends know that you care and you’re available without putting pressure on them to respond.
2. Show up in tangible, actionable ways. While some people prefer space when they are grieving, LPC with QuickQuote.com, Erica Wiles shared how others appreciate the physical support and suggests bringing a meal, offering to help clean the house, or simply sitting with them in silence.
3. Dr. Sarika Seth, a licensed clinical psychologist with Thrive Psychology Group, Inc, suggests acknowledging that your friend is going through a hard time by using short phrases such as, “This must be so painful,” or “I am here for you.” Simple acknowledgment can go far in showing your support.
4. If it’s not someone you’re close to Paul Greene, psychologist and the Director of the Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, suggests taking a moment to imagine what it must be like to be in their shoes and speaking from this space. While intention does not always equal impact, your empathy will be felt and appreciated.
5. Providing food is always a good default. Often those that are grieving can forget to do basic things like feeding themselves. Instead of asking what you can do, Dr. Caroline Madden, MFT recommends initiating specific actions such as, “I’m ordering you dinner delivered. Tell me what you want and when you want it delivered.”
6. Don’t be dismissive of their experience. According to Dr. Gabriela Sadurní Rodríguez, a licensed Clinical Psychologist at The Psychology Group, “In our efforts to make our loved ones feel better, sometimes we say things like ‘at least X didn’t happen…’ and this can be very invalidating. Instead, acknowledge how they feel because of this loss (sad, lonely, afraid, etc.) and don’t pull for a specific emotional response (don’t say things like ‘you need to cry this out’); keep in mind that people can have different reactions to loss and that processing it can come with varying emotional experiences.”
7. “Although we can’t always relate to every situation other people go through, we can always relate to feelings. If your friend is going through a loss, let them know that you’ve been there, you have felt that way before, and you’re here to help them in whatever way possible. Relating to the feelings of others helps people feel supported and not so alone.” — Dr. Brian Wind, Ph.D., and Chief Clinical Executive at JourneyPure

Do you have any other tips or phrases to use when you don’t know how to proceed? Feel free to share them in the comments below [or email us at courtney@venturekind.com]! We would be happy to hear from you.